Lost

[Jac12]

Update:

It appears as though many people are curious as to how many of these situations turn out in reconciliation so I thought I would update.

My W has moved back in to our house and is hopeful that we will be able to work through the problems we had early in the marriage. We both agreed that we didn't make each other the priority after we had our S(2). Also agreed that we need to learn how to communicate better, without worrying so much about hurting the other's feelings. I personally kept a lot in and the resentment grew at times as I felt I was doing most of the things around the house - she could read that on my face and in return she started feeling like she wasn't the wife that I wanted. We started to disconnect and it was a slow process. We will do some MC and learn how to communicate better and we've learned our love languages. Her dad's illness also may have led to some grief/depression that made her withdraw a bit too.

She said there was never anybody else and I never found any evidence (I looked) to suggest otherwise.

Here's what I did poorly:
- early in process I tried to reason with her and talk everything out
- I put pressure on her and made her feel guilty for her feelings (assumption)
- followed her around the house (mostly checking on her)
- snooped (didn't help in any way, only made me look harder)

Here's what I did well:
- Once separated, I left her completely alone
- no texts unless important about our S,
- no calls
- stayed positive during interactions
- went out with friends
- when her dad was at his end stages I stepped up to help the family and her (ex. came home from trip early once he went in hospice so I could look after our S so she could be at hospice with family)

Moving forward we both would like to feel like we are dating again. I need to mix it up a bit more and do what I can to keep the spark and passion alive. When we got married, I just figured it would always be there - nobody told me it requires effort. I see that now.

I once read somewhere that sometimes the W knows intuitively what the relationship needs and I really think whether she realized it or not, separating was the one thing she could do that would get my attention enough for me to make some positive changes.

Thanks to all for the advice - it really helped me to stay strong at times and follow the process.