Separated 11 months

[Hurt213]

Hope,

I am going to be as direct as possible with you (and I do root for you, and hope things work out !)

Reconciling is never off the table. You need to understand, and remember, that YOU control YOUR actions. As long as your actions, and your mind is saying, that reconciliation is what you want, then that is what you will work towards. But it is SO important, that you work towards this goal from place of strength.

You will in time, when you choose a path that allows you to grow as a human, because you learned from this very traumatic experience, realize that you are so much more than just an entity that consists of the product you and your husband became. You need to realize, that you are an individual with so much to offer, and your husband has a lot he needs to work on before he can even start the process of seeing you for what you are, and what he fell in love with in the beginning of your journey.

How do you choose this path? By living your life to the fullest, each and every day. Sit down, make a list of things you want to achieve over say the next 5 years - things that are completely about you (selfish? absolutely, and that is the mindset you want to progress into - stop pleasing everyone around you, and start living for you - that makes you attractive and interesting, even though it might feel very counterintuitive to drop the rope on pleasing the ones we love). Then make a timeline, where you set yourself up for these goals, what needs to happen in order for you to achieve these new goals of yours.

Made that list?

Great! Now you have some long term goals, an that gives you purpose. With purpose comes the possibility of change, and with change comes the possibility of learning and acquiring new thing and skillsets, and that is EXACTLY what you need.

Now make another list. Now I want you to make a list of your short term goals: What do you want to change or achieve over the next 5 months? Reach these goals, and you will feel absolutely empowered and ready to set new goals for yourself.

Whenever your husband is present around you, then make sure to validate him, no matter how he feels (unless it is about OM - then you set a boundary, because you wont tolerate being disrespected - you are a person that values yourself, and you wont take crap from anyone). Be content, be "happy" and fake it for now, and 3 months from now, maybe sooner, maybe later, you wont be faking quite as much. Remember to listen to what he tells you, no matter what you feel about it, just listen and validate. You might think; "What? that is absolutely not how it happened", however this is how the WAH/WH process things in order to reassure themselves, that what they are doing is alright - because, a lot of things were absolutely horrible (no they most likely weren't), but validate and let it pass like the wind.

The best metaphor on this site (in my belief) is the cat metaphor: "Do not try to pick up the cat, do not try to coheres the cat into doing what you want it to - that doesnt work, and the cat will walk in huge circles around you. Do however, ignore the cat, and give it your full attention, when it decides to come near you, and should it choose to walk away, then by all means, let it." I hope you get the picture.


Hugs!