Marc, why were you fighting so much? Are one of both of you a "right fighter"? IE you'd rather be right than happy? Do you look back and see that the majority of the fights didn't even matter? That you could have given in, avoided a fight, and been better for it?
When my wife and I would fight (and we are both stonewallers, by the way, or were), it usually had to do with something bigger than the actual fight. I wasn't sexually fulfilled so I was over critical and nitpicking her. Since I was so surly and angry all the time she had a very low tolerance for me. Since I was nitpicking her the minute I didn't pick something up, or clean up after myself she'd make a big deal about it. The thing we were fighting about wasn't REALLY what we were fighting about.
So not fighting wasn't going to fix the problem. Only fixing the problem, underlying, would fix the problem.
Did you understand why you were fighting? Have you 180'd on anything that might help relieve it?
Finally, you seem to be at the point of giving up. Marc it takes two people, working together, to make a marriage. It only takes one person to make a divorce. Either one person wants a D and pursues it. Or one person gives up and eventually the other one gives up and pursues D.
So you need to answer that for yourself. Are you at the point where you are done trying? If so, then go file and see it through. My guess is that if that were the case, you would have done that. Which makes me think, that the reason you are posting here, is because you aren't there yet.
Look, this is the hardest thing any of us has had to go through (unless someone fought a deadly disease). Patience, longsuffering, perseverance are all attributes you absolutely MUST possess if you have any chance of saving your marriage. LBSs always gets frustrated with WAS's lack of "knowing". "Do you want a D?" "I don't know." "How long should we keep trying?" "I don't know." Rarely will you get a straight answer. And for some LBS's that is worse than being given the bad news.
Here is the thing Marc, I too came here.....after 6 weeks of limbo, asking "when is enough, enough?" And a very wise vet gave me this nugget: limbo is the gift of time. It allows you to work on your 180s, and demonstrate them to your S. It allows you to work on GAL and show that to your S. It allows you to work on detachment and self-differentiation and to become a spouse only a fool would leave! Would ripping off the bandaid make healing quicker? Yes. But it might not heal the way you want it to.
So relax. Take it easy. Breathe. Let things work themselves out. Your W isn't running full long into separation and D. Many of the posters here would kill to have that dynamic going on in their sitch.
One thing that we don't talk enough about here is that these sitches require you to grow up and mature. Being grown up and having maturity mean not having to have what you think you want the minute you want it. Being a grown up and being mature mean you realize that good things come to those that wait. That anything worthwhile isn't acquired overnight. That putting the cart before the horse rarely gets you to where you want to go.
So slow down and coast for a while. Stop thinking you have to be doing SOMETHING. Many times the best thing you can do in these things is nothing but wait.
Sorry you are here, but I am glad you found this place in your sitch. We can help. We can offer support.
Steve85. I was about to pull the trigger on initiating the D this week. Told the W, copied the paperwork, etc.. You are right about being emotionally mature, and having patience. I need to reevaluate. Thanks for this message.
