We went to D12's first counselling session together today. She has known for some time that the session was booked, and overall has been OK with it, but went into complete meltdown today. Both girls stayed at their dads last night and when he brought them around earlier, he asked me to have a word with her. He told me she wanted to see the referral letter from the doctor because she didn't believe she had to go. The referral letter went along the lines of "D12 came to see me about reoccurring stomach pain. Her parents have separated and her mother feels D12 may benefit from psychological assessment" so I refused to show her the letter. He agreed (apparently he didn't know that that is what the letter said).
After what happened the last time we saw a counsellor about D12 he was petrified of the counsellor wanting to speak to us alone. He is on some level, still not ready to talk about us .
Anyway, after many tears D12 agreed to go stating that she was 'going to sit in silence' for the whole hour. It was OK in the end. He asked her some questions about school, about home etc. She was a little withdrawn, but we taught her to be polite so she answered, albeit in a guarded way. After the initial discussion, he asked H and I to leave so he could speak with her alone. When they were done, he asked both of us to come back in and D12 whilst D12 sat with the receptionist. I saw her walking towards the receptionist and commented "I think she's been crying". He replied "She wouldn't cry in front of a stranger".
We sat down and the counsellor said that she is grieving for her family. Cue H body language becoming more defensive. He said "Yes, that and because she's 12 and just started high school". The counsellor agreed, but that the biggest factor was the separation. He said she started crying almost immediately after we left the room. He said that she needs to talk to people and doesn't feel safe doing that with us. We should put in place some "sleep hygiene" practices (using soft colored lights at night, sending her to bed 30 mins before bed time, no phones in her room etc) as well as a natural sleeping aid. By this time H had gone quiet. The counsellor left to fetch D12, and I said this is a good idea, D12 needs to feel safe and needs certainty. He said she knows what's going on ... that "we're not getting back together". This is the first time he has ever we aren't getting back together. When he left it was "I am unhappy and think I should move out". The few times we've discussed it since he moved out (last time was back in Oct) he said "I don't think I'm coming back".
I didn't react. I just said "I know" and left it at that. That was at 3:00. He has only just left the house and it is nearly 8:00. He has been pottering about and once there was no potting left to do, he has been sitting with the children whilst they played on the Xbox. I have been upbeat but mainly kept out of his way - I am WFH so had a good excuse to stay in the office and then went to my room to do some yoga. He told me he is going to the gym and will be back at 8 tomorrow to look after the kids. They are on holidays and he is taking them away for two nights to a theme park.
He spent yesterday here with them, pottering around whilst they played. Cake eating definitely but in the meantime he has cleared the garden and sorted through one of the sheds. He doesn't want to sell the house, so this is not in 'readiness' - I think it is more about feeling like he has to 'do something' whilst he is here.
D12 has been pretty good all week. I have seen her smiling more in the last couple of weeks then in the months proceeding. There has been giggling and in jokes. Dinner with them has been a pleasure and she has sat with D9 and I just watching movies and hanging out.
On the weekend when he brought them back to pick up football gear for D12, she had a little mini meltdown because I could not find the right football shorts. I had checked the wash, taken everything out of her and D9's drawers all to no avail. He went rummaging through her wardrobe muttering "why didn't you text me to let me know you you couldn't find her shorts". I simply said "This is not my fault" and went to comfort D12. He found her shorts (they were in her old football boot bag at the bottom of her wardrobe) and she eventually left happy. But not after he lectured her (loudly) on being ridiculous, letting the team down, getting herself organized etc. All valid points but pointless when she is curled up in a ball on my bed whilst he finger points and shouts.
I am in a fairly good place. I am much more 'relaxed' around us then he is. My body language is open but not pursuing. I offer cups of tea, ask him how his day was, wish him well when he goes. I engage in conversations about work, about things happening on the news, about the children. I smile and laugh a lot. This isn't forced - it is all genuine. I am genuinely not phased by our sitch. I even sent him a text earlier today asking if it would be OK to have lunch with them before D12's session. As an aside, once we were there I said "I'll pay for mine if you get the girls". This is what he said to me last time we went out to lunch - the lunch was on my time with the girls, so it was my responsibility to pay for them. It threw me a little (what, he can't even buy me lunch) so I said the same thing to him today. He looked at me strangely then went "Ok" and proceeded to ask the girls what they wanted.
He continues to be weird when I do something he doesn't like. I had left my car at the station two nights in a row, and when he asked me why I said "I had a drink after work" - I hadn't but didn't want to get into the conversation. He huffed and then five minutes later said "I spoke to mum about taking [the dog]. I will discuss it with you later" then left. He likes to 'punish' me. That conversation was three days ago, and only the second time since saying that he 'would need to make alternative arrangements' weeks ago. He has not "discussed it with me later". Today, when talking about summer holidays plans, I mentioned (in addition to taking the kids away) I might go away on my own whilst he takes the kids on holidays and he replied "you will need to sort out dog sitting for [our dog]". The same dog that his mum is going to take.
Anyway, I wanted to reiterate (for my own sake) some of the mantra's that I have learned here:
1. Marathon not sprint - patience is key (use the time to work on myself) 2. They are in a fog - don't listen to what they say, only what they do (taking the dog away, saying he isn't coming back) 3. Look for signs of consistent change (he is nicer than he used to be, but there is still anger simmering away beneath the surface).
I have to remember this is a long process. When times are tough and I feel like giving up, then I have to just let things be. Any big decisions need to be made when I am calm and not as a reaction to something he has said or done.
