Possible WAW?

[SteveLW]

Hey guys, new to the forum but have been reading threads for the last week. A little background on my situation: Been married to my high school sweet heart for 1 year, together for 7. After high school we broke up for a while and both messed around with other people. Ending up getting back together and have lived together for almost 6 years. We have a 10 month old son.

Lately she has been acting similar to what I would describe as a WW. She handled far more housework and child care than I do which I think really stressed her out, almost as if I was another child. She also is usually far more affectionate and used to love cuddling and hugs. I am the HD in the relationship. And was really neglecting her love language. A few months ago my father passed away. I was pretty devastated and I’m sure my attention to her greatly decreased as well as my helping with the kid and around the house.

So I don’t know if this counts as the BD but this is what happened: A few weeks ago she was leaving for work and I went to give her a kiss which I haven’t been doing much lately. She avoided it which was the first moment I understood something felt really wrong. I texted her about it later and she said something along the lines of: “ I’m just in a weird funk. I feel a big disconnect from you.” When I asked her more about it she said: “ I don’t know what to do about it, we will just have to work through it if we can”.

This was tough for me. I am the one who is always fixing stuff around the house and fixing the cars so I felt like I needed to do something to fix the situation. Maybe 4 days after the text conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about the situation so I brought it up one night in bed.

This is what I consider the BD. We talked for a while about our relationship. She said many things but the main points were: “ you don’t speak my love language. (She has read the book). I am unsure about my future with you. I see you in my long term life but not my short term.” She said she loved me and was still attracted to me. She did not mention divorce or separation and seemed like she was unsure of what to do. She also said she felt like she lost who she was.

After doing some reading I realized what she had said was seemingly like she was thinking about leaving the relationship. That week after the BD she showed the signs of WW. Cold, distant, sleeping basically off the edge of the bed. Squirmed away from my touch. During that week I would kiss her goodbye in the morning and tell her I loved her. She would say it back but some days would tell me to kiss her on he head, not lips.

The week of the BD I made many mistakes before finding DB. I called her one day at lunch and was very upset. Asking do you just want me to move out. She said I don’t know. I asked when she would know and she said she wasn’t sure. A day later I got upset again at home with here. We had another R talk that I initiated. I told her I was really trying to change (I know this is a big no no now) and if she get different. She said she saw that I was trying and that no she didn’t feel different.

The next day (about a week ago) is when I discovered DB. I really started focusing on improving myself and not worrying about changing her. I have put most of the DB rules into practice and have not been pursuing or starting R talks. I have been present but will not start the conversation.

I have been doing many things different such as hair cut, clean shave. Not playing any video games. Getting up early. Being far more involved in child care. Been far more involved in pulling my weight in house work. I bought the 5 live language book and am reading it.

I feel that there have already been some positive changes in the R. For example the week after the BD when I was pursuing and pressuring her she barely spoke to me at all and acted very uncomfortably around me. The past few days I have been DBing she has been far more active in starting conversations and is actually talking to me quite a lot at home. Yesterday I did a lot of DB and even left to run errands without telling her where I was going or when I would be back which I don’t think I have ever done. Last night in bed I said goodnight. She said goodnight I love you. Which she hasn’t said first in maybe a month. Since I have started DBing she has mentioned a few times that I am being weird. She has warmed up to me verbally but is still cold physically.

I don’t believe there is OM. I have gone through her phone in the night time and the hours she is not at home are accounted for.

I’m just confused on what to do. I read in another thread that if I was in affectionate and distant in the R that if I keeping doing that it will be more of the same. I have been trying to compliment her more which is her love language. I have had mixed results. At first she wouldn’t even respond but yesterday I did get a thanks.

Should I keep complimenting her or is that pursuing? How can I detach without it being more of the same that caused the R problems in the first place? Should I ever initiate and I love you? And when will I know that she is ready to reconnect?

Thanks, sorry for the long read.

My W's love language is word's of affirmation. When she was wayward, and we were in the throws of our sitch, I would find non-sexual and non-visual compliments to give her. "You always have such keen insight into such things." "I am amazed at how well you handle stressful situations." "Your perspective is always so good when it comes to conflicts between people." I would thank her for some of them. "Thank you for helping me see it with empathy, I wasn't doing that before."

Slow and steady. You can't erase years of not being affectionate and being distant over night. It takes time. Baby steps.

Also, make sure you understand that DBing, and detachment, are not being distant. If you are being distant then you are doing it wrong. Read the detachment thread and understand it.

Sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us in your current sitch. We can help and offer support.