I understand you are getting a temporary high from having him over, but you really need to ask yourself if it's worth it. Because as long as you keep letting it happen, you will be stuck in limbo. Your sitch will never get better.
And yes - that is my fear, it really is. But I don't think I will be stuck in limbo. He's asking me for pressure off during a very clearly defined amount of time, and when that time period is over, I think I will reassess then and maybe make a different decision. I am working on being supportive without pursuing, because I have pursued hard for my own needs to be met at the expense of his, and have been spectacularly un-supportive. It's a balacing act I am often getting really wrong - I admit that - but for the next few weeks (and that is all it is) I want to try. He didn't really BD me, I BDed him - and he's telling me he can't work on things now, but he wants to at a particular point. He has been consistent about that, and most of the other things he's said has been in response to my pushing at him for more. If I stop pushing, watch carefully and see that when the point comes and he isn't talking about R, my only choice will be to go dark, and that is what I plan to do.
Yorkie said:
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I must say though that worrying about the kids and the puppy not giving him peace is also a bit smothering. He chose to come, he knows the kids are there and the puppy and yet he still chose to come.
Yes, you're right about this. I actually went out for a while on Sunday on my own, then took Youngest out (as planned) for an activity just the two of us. So I didn't bring it up - but I did have this sense that both me myself and family life was being 'auditioned' in some way. He didn't say or do anything in particular that triggered that in me - it was in my mind - and I need to get away from that and just have my happy family life as I want it and let him speak up for what he wants, join in, or go away - as he wishes. It went okay but there is more work to do here because I cannot live my life as if I am advertising a family for him to be a part of at some point, it is unhealthy and exhausting.
Dillydaff said:
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It's nice that he wanted to relax at home
Yes, I think it was too, in the end. It probably is cake-eating, a little bit. But what it looked like from the outside was someone broken and exhausted, stressed and anxious wanting a bit of rest and familiarity and a break from his professional stress. He looked like a little boy. There was no meanness or coldness in him on that day. I didn't wait on him hand and foot and went about my life as normally as I could, and yes, I need to keep my expectations low. But if we are to R than home does need to be a sanctuary for both of us and I think in many ways I am in a much better place than he is at the moment and doing a little bit to make home a sanctuary (and all I did was put some food on the table, give him a hug and ask no questions) does constitute a 180 going on my past behaviour.
I feel okay today. Am working and as it is vacation time he is in charge of Youngest. Had a couple of texts already about things he's irritated about. He doesn't seem to have much patience at the moment. I am validating, but not leaping in to do his parenting, offer advice or criticism or fix things. The kids have two weeks off and he's doing two days of childcare, that's it - so I am going to respect and trust him enough to do that without interference or assistance from me.
