Okay so I know I said I wouldn't be back for a while. I know I'm going to going to get multiple 2x4's over the head for this deservingly.
After our fun night at the drive-in the other night, the next day W started pressuring me about getting the house on the market. I had to take a break from the conversation so I took S one to the park, while she researched buyout options or me,and refinancing for divorce. I didn't ask her to do this . So later that night, We were watching TV with S1. The show was called This Is Us. With Mandy Moore. It's a series where people have two or three flashbacks of different points in their life all revolving around kids struggles in life, marriage, space,,individual identity, etc there was this one scene we're a couple of 20 years was having difficulties balance in their lives of individuals with their professions and passions. Then the scene reverse back to where that couple decided to get engaged, and they promised each other that they wouldn't move their identities in themselves by merging together.
Shortly after that scene I asked my W. What do you plan on doing with your engagement ring? She stated she was going to save it for our S1. I asked well what if I want to sell it? She says you can't sell it it was a gift. So I let the conversation go at that. Now keep in mind I didn't actually say this but this is what I was thinking the whole time. Why in the world would you want to re-gift an engagement ring to our S1, that I gave to you and promised that you would stay married to me for life, only to pass along to him, as an example of a failed marriage? Isn't that kind of like Bad Karma?
Now I may have acted on this impulsively shortly after this incident, but just after we put S1 to bed, I told W that I'm going to file for divorce. That I'm willing to remain open in all other aspects, but I cannot get past the trust issues of me being forced to sell the home because of the choices she's making to separate. That one that ship finally sails. Even though I will I will be able to trust her in other areas, I won't ever be able to trust living with her again. She stated her areas in which she was unable to trust me. Such as some of my behaviors excetera, I stated to her that even though I've only been going to DBT training for 3 weeks there's been significant Improvement and she is seen it as far as managing my emotions. She thinks I'm bipolar which I'm not. I don't even have full malignant BPD, and explain to her that it is a spectrum just like other things. That I just have some characteristic traits in my thinking. I remind everybody that she is a behavior specialist was no longer confident in her abilities and wants to resign from her job by this summer. I explained to her that I'm a work in progress and I cannot change the past but I am sorry for it and I wish things were different. I also stated to her that I did not want to live in a Loveless marriage, she said it's not that there isn't love there, it's just taking on a more friendly form. I agreed. I stated it to her that I've been trying to find ways to meet her halfway and try to work on things for the last six months despite her unwillingness to, and how she wants to go out and alone individually. That I am done trying. if we were in an apartment and were to just divide up everything during a separation I would have been fine with that. but because my timeline isn't meeting her timeline as far as selling the house and her achieving her goals to be out by the summer, I feel like my hand is being forced and I'm not ready to move that quickly, without wrapping up the projects and getting full value of the home. she actually wants to go to the extent where she's going to borrow more money from her parents to hire people if I don't correspond to her time line. I've tried to negotiate with Sarah that I will get the small things where I can and when I can because I work so much. and if that's what she feels she needs to do, then that's her decision, not mine. I get that she needs the income from the sale of the home to explore and live off of her new life that she wants to fulfill. we also discussed potentially looking at mediators. I may not decide to go that route and go pro se, as I'm fairly decent with legal stuff, although not my profession. But I'm sure consultation couldn't hurt
So again I reiterated that once that trust is broken and the house is sold I don't know if I could trust to ever live with her again so there's no point in keeping the separation open ended. I reiterated that even though I wasn't 100% sure that this is what I wanted, but is what will happen if my trust is breached by selling the home, I am fairly sure that this is what I wanted, if it comes down to selling the house. I also stated that if we were to sell the house and she was willing to work on things, that I may be a little more open in working on things which I'm sure she would never agree with as of this moment.
Yesterday I decided I want to divorce. I asked her for pertinent documents pertaining to such in text message yesterday morning. Marriage license mortgage statement excetera. At first she asked what for? And then she said she would get them for me what she did once I got home. I found out yesterday she stayed home from work again because she said she felt a lot of overwhelming anxiety that Sunday night into Monday morning, and she just couldn't go to work. She didn't stay why but I knew why But we still had amicable conversation and we're polite and friendly with one another. My printer actually broke on me to make copies so she said she would copy the documents at her job the following morning. We both reiterated to talk from Sunday night and had a polite an understanding conversation.
I'm at a conflict with myself. I know time heals trust, and I know it appears as if she is forcing my hand and now I'm forcing hers. It's almost a battle of wills of stubbornness. But I genuinely feel that if I have to sell this home on her timeline and I will never be able to live with her or trust her financially, or legally again. I do understand that she needs a time during the separation to not only pursue her dreams and her goals and find herself and some of her desires but also needs a time to heal through individual counseling and therapy. I told her that I don't want to put pressure on her with that, and I understand that, I want to have another talk about working through our trust issues, and how we can potentially resolve them about our discrepancies about living together at the bare minimum, with no talk of reconciliation. There are things that I understand about her POV.
Devised in my own mind. I do have a list of requirements as I would also ask her if she had a list of hers if she ever did want to reconcile, about what we both need to change and how we can work together to change it. She doesn't know this and I'm not putting much hope in it as of right now.
I'm really not trying to play a poker game here with a poker face, and force anyone's hand. She has trust issues with living with me and some of my behaviors which I'm working on. I have trust issues with her and some of her behaviors which I think she is working on. But we are not working on them for each other, but for ourselves. She is bending up all of her stuff and getting ready for a move in the next couple of months. I have just started.
Even though I've declared that I'm starting the divorce process, I still know in my own mind that I have the power to decide and the dissolution has not yet been filed. Maybe perhaps I don't have to make that decision today or tomorrow or even next month and I can take my time to find some clarity in it, but she doesn't know that. But I think that she's allowing me to do it to see if I'm going to follow through with my words with action since we're both flip-floppers. it seems like this is turning out to be a game of calling each other's Bluffs. Even though I know she's having second thoughts based on her anxiety after me announcing such I still think she'll allow me to follow through with the D if I decide to do so, and file and really pull the trigger after I gather all of the necessary documents. Again I know a lot of you are going to 2x4 me here for pushing the Big D. but I legitimately have these trust issues and I don't know if I can resolve them. I'm going to take them to counseling and see if anything comes out of it.
In my own mind I don't see the point in continuing a marriage with someone that is afraid to file for divorce out of their own fear of that they may be me making a mistake, rather than their own fear of they may be losing someone they care about. I really don't feel the need to wait around or have the patience for 2 or 3 years for her to get her life together, the way she wants to which is fine, but I just don't want to be strung along anymore, I've stated to her that I won't be her plan B but she doesn't see it that way. Which is also understandable.
So what do you guys think about the way I'm handling this, and thinking about it? Do you think that I'm starting to get to her with her recent anxiety incident, and she may fold under the pressure in the future as far as realizing that I'm serious, that she has two choices either to work on the M or I initiate divorce? because she has more patience than I do I think she's going to let me walk. I wish things could be different and I wish there was a middle ground we can meet each other in, not only to resolve the trust issues, but a willingness on her part and motivation to work on the marriage even while separated. That I can live with and work towards. Otherwise I don't see the point in continuing this and wasting both of our time.
