Today, mentally, has been a challenging day. I don’t know why, it just has. He popped up in my head a lot, had to keep visualizing the stop sign, it didn’t always work. He will not have seen his son for 3 weeks if he decides to come this weekend, his choice. I had a great day yesterday just S and me. We went to our butterfly house, went out to lunch, walked a trail, went to a park with a friend. It was gorgeous weather and we needed to be out! He’s only 4 months, so doesn’t fully grasp what we are doing, but I’m happy to know that we are doing stuff to GAL together. One of my friends said that your kids don’t always remember the monetary gifts, but they do remember the gift of time and adventures we have together. I think this is a difficult time because this time a year ago, he was home, but not emotionally, I was pleading and pressuring then, shocked beyond words. The season, smells, weather, just reminds me of a year ago, which gives triggers. It is crazy how life changes in a year. I’m so angry/disgusted at him, I’m not really sure what I want anymore. I guess if I’m not sure, then that means part of me still wants a MR, so I shouldn’t make any moves. Why the h has he not??!! I don’t get it at all. Honestly, this would all be easier if he were to tell me he’s filing and I give him the I can’t prevent you, but I don’t want it line. It’s frustrating.
Married- 1y8m Together- 7.5y M- 37 H- 31 S- 4 months not wanting to work on things bomb- 4/15/18 left home- 5/5/18 Moved in with OW a week after leaving
