So I guess what I am saying is, I don't know if I want to continue being with this woman who was in my life for 17 years. I am giving it some time to decide but that is the feeling i have had for a few weeks.
Don't put pressure on yourself to decide if you want to "continue" being with her. The truth is that you aren't together as man & wife now. You don't want to settle for bosom pals. Time has a way of helping us make decisions. You have made some wonderful improvements......especially not drinking. I think that is marvelous. You may outgrow your W. and discover your feelings do not extend more than caring for her as the mother of your children. On the other hand, the two of you may spend a few years apart and you both heal and find you still love each other.
I don't know if it's the feelings you are trying to let go......or if you are still clinging to hope she'll discover she wants to end her affair and reconcile the MR. I'm glad you know what you would require should that transpire. Realistically, I think she's going to have to be out of the MR and experience life without you. She's got to realize how bad this so-called BFF is for her, and end that relationship once and for all. She's got to figure it out for herself, you can't tell her. I think it is more difficult for women to end their friendships that have that type of influence, than ending their affair. They may give up the OM, but they will choose the BFF over the H. That shows the unhealthy mindset and influence of that whole dynamic. You can't heal her. You can only heal yourself.
Keep growing! ((hugs))
A lot of stuff has transpired over the past 24 hours. We had a talk yesterday. She started by accusing my of trying to screw her in the dissolution. And that I didn't want her to have a job, or friends and just be home alone. I got up and said if she was going to accuse me or try to argue with me, I was done. She settled down and I asked why she thought I did not want her to have a job. I told her I was supportive of her staying at home, or getting a job. I was supportive of what she wanted to do. I didn't want to make a decision for her on that front.
I asked about the friends. She said I told her that one of my conditions was to get rid of her friends. I said only one friend. Her BFF. She said that she has realized lately she is not a good person and she is slowly withdrawing from her. She said the OM does not like her and has let her see that she is not a good person especially when she drinks. This just amazes me that she finally realizes it from the OM...just great.
She said it has nothing to do with the OM like she said in the long email. I said it does. She said it doesn't. I told her to not tell me how I feel. The OM has a lot to do with this to me. The leaving me on a date, the open affair, etc. I told her that there is no relationship with him in the picture at all.
I then told her that actions speak louder than words and her walking down the lane the other day with a night bag told me that she spent the night at his house less than 36 hours of telling me she barely talked to him. She said that she knew I knew where she was since I opened the front door and asked her if she wanted to go in the front door instead of the garage. She said she broke it off with him that night physically and they are just friends. (more to come on that).
We talked about the dissolution and I think she realized I was being more than fair on the stuff and we ended the convo on a great note. A really good note of just felt good. She left and said she was going to a friends house at 630pm. One of my daughters loss a tooth and I sent a text to let her know.
This morning she was already laying on the couch when I got downstairs to leave. The motion sensor lights were already off so she was there for a while. I started the car and it was really warm...she is living right across the street so it told me she stayed the night far away since the engine was really warmed up. She admitted after I said something about her staying the night with the guy right after she said they broke it off, etc. She said nothing happen. I told her it isn't the fact that nothing happen. I told her I don't give a crap about the guy. I am tired of the dishonesty. Actions speak louder than words. I let my guard down a little but corrected myself. I told her that if she lied one more time to me on anything, I will go get a dissolution moving ASAP. I rather be told the truth than lied to.
She really doesn't know what she wants but I will be damned if I am lied to. I want to give myself a few months per my IC to make sure this is what I want before pulling the trigger. But the lies will make it far more. I think she may be waking up from the fog a little since she realizes BFF is toxic. I told her that I don't want her to not have friends. I told her I want her to have good friend.
We may talk again tonight as I ended the conversation other than that 100% honesty in the future. We shall see...I am willing to walk away..I can tell I have feelings for her but the lies will make me end it as I do not believe in lying. I think she is still physical with him but claims she isn't...not really care at this point since the staying the night has the appearance of such. I told her again, no relationship exists until OM is out of the picture 100%.
