I am thinking that it was pretty much more of the same - me trying to please him, him getting resentful about it and not really wanting what I have to offer and not being able to offer very much at all himself.
This seems to be a repeating pattern. Alison, this is classic cake-eating. As long as you allow it, it will continue to happen. I understand you are getting a temporary high from having him over, but you really need to ask yourself if it's worth it. Because as long as you keep letting it happen, you will be stuck in limbo. Your sitch will never get better.
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And I miss him. I feel sad and at night time sometimes I feel lonely and I want my family life back, and my husband back - not this cold, resentful, blaming, absent monster.
When you let the monster cake-eat, you feed it and it grows. Starve the monster (stop the cake-eating) and your H may start pushing the monster back out of his body.
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And he doesn't trust but seems to resent my attempts at support
He absolutely does. So why do you keep doing it? Do you remember the chapter in DR about "cheeseless tunnels"? And about setting up lawn chairs? Well you've got a sofa, recliner, rug, reading light, fridge and a flat-screen TV set up in front of that cheeseless tunnel.
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But I am just very very very sad.
Detach. GAL. Move on. Your mood should not be predicated on how the monster treats you.
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I just feel really lonely and like I want to be held.
I'm sorry you're feeling down. Go see a friend or family member and get that hug. NOT your H though, do NOT try to get hugs there.
