Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

Another tough week in the books. I was really struggling last weekbecause I was feeling very unsure about my relationship with the prof. We've been dating for over two months and not only is she clearly into me, but she has consistently shown herself to be the type of person worth spending my time with. We share the same values, have similar interests/tastes, are looking for the same things in our lives and in a relationship. Moreover she is kind, compassionate, patient, and genuinely makes me feel appreciated when I am with her. We also have nice sexual chemistry. She really checks off all the boxes. But I just haven't been feeling any spark. She commented last week that I don't flirt with her or give her compliments, and she was right. I've been holding back subconsciously because I am not feeling the spark that tells me this is something real.

My question was why. When we first met, it was the best first date I had been on, and looking back at our text messages in the beginning, I was interested, and flirting. Was it just the thrill of the chase? Our relationship got intimate and relaxed very quickly as it was just easier to swing by her place after she put her kid to bed, and perhaps something was lost there. But if it was just the thrill of the chase is that even a reason to break up? My other thought was that my situation might be leading me to hold back - the uncertainty of my job and even staying in town, as well as filing the D papers and working through that process. She has been very patient with me, understanding that I am working through those things, and I have been open with her all about that. So, I have tried to be patient to wait and see if as the relationship goes on that the feelings deepen.

However, I reached a point last week where I decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like my feelings weren't deepening, and I was feeling guilty that I couldn't reciprocate the love and support she was giving me. It was making me feel bad to the point that I almost didn't want to see her. So, yesterday we had a long talk and I broke it off. She was ready to have the talk and had previously noted my ambivalence, but she was thrown off by my decision to end it. It really s#$ks because of how much I like her as a person, and how much I enjoyed talking with her and spending time with her. I think it is the right call, but I am far from sure. It also definitely brought back some memories of BD which was nearly exactly a year ago.

I made the decision to end it last Wednesday after clarifying my thoughts by speaking with a good friend. On Thursday night I returned home to find a mason jar with fresh flowers on my dining room table - left by W with no note or context. I was glad that I had already made the decision to end it, so that I didn't have to question my motives. But to top it off, on Sunday as we were having the talk and walking through the city, W and OM passed right by us on their bikes. Given that I was in the process of breaking up, it felt a bit like a kick in the pants. Oh well, time to detach more.

I am feeling more and more like getting out of here would be the healthiest option for me, giving me physical distance and a completely new social circle that isn't so thoroughly mixed with hers. However, that is not entirely under my control. I don't have any offers, and am just at the outset of the interview process with a couple of schools, which means that there is no reason to think anything will work out. I feel like I need to be okay with coming back if no better opportunity comes along, and not get excited by any possibilities.

On a positive note I went to a yoga class on Sunday and one of my regular instructors was a participant in the class and ended up right next to me. At the end of the class she came up to me and told me that she wishes she could always practice next to me, that I was so grounded and focused that it helped her because she felt so all-over-the-place at the outset of class. It was very sweet and completely sincere of her. I certainly felt a bit scattered myself given the breakup I was about to initiate, but the yoga did help center me. It nearly always does.