Embracing my Inner Me in progress

[DnJ]

Hello Grace

Glad to see you out having a good time. I understand the “I wasn’t there yet”. There is no rush. It does make one feel pretty good hearing someone is interested, and after what we’ve been through - it’s very nice to hear.

Some MLCers file right away, like my XW. Others take longer, and others never do. Why? Like you said some just don’t want to be the bad guy. For the most part, they divorce, or not, because they feel like it.

There is pressure from the OP, from themselves, the running, depression, anxiety, addictions, and so on. They are irrational and make decisions based on emotions, on how they feel.

So when you ask why he didn’t just D when you found out about OW, he really doesn’t “know” what to do. Right or wrong. He is scrambling from feelings and not very rational at the moment.

I would probably not ask to many questions regarding divorce, or have many conversation about that. It might place ideas in his head, or convince him that those vague feelings and thoughts are actually right.

I'm also having a hard time with the fact that I'm faithful to my vows

I total get this. You aren’t having a hard time being faithful, the difficulty is that you are.

That is rooted in your feelings that he doesn’t deserve to be treated that good, from a faithful spouse, especially after what he has done, and is doing. And yes it does feel like condoning his behaviour, doesn’t it.

Aren't I almost condoning it since I haven't filed for D? I almost feel like I'm saying (by my silence), it's o.k. for you to see her. When you decided what you want to do, you let me know. I'm waiting.

First off, silence is not condoning- it is just silence. If you yell at him, or tell him what you think, he will just use it as justification - “See, this is why I had to leave”, that kind of thing.

Don’t worry silence speaks volumes. You have not said it is ok to see her, and you haven’t said it isn’t. That is fine. Let him do what he is going to do. You focus on you, let him go - with compassion.

As for the “I’m waiting”. Ok there is a little bit of that, well maybe a bit more than a little, when you are standing. However, and this is the really important part, you are standing for you (mostly).

You are not waiting for him to decide. You have decided what is important in your life, what you believe in, and you are following it. Your silence doesn’t say you’re waiting, and your actions tell a different tale.

Focus on you. If vows are important (and I believe they are), then keep them. Letting him go, doesn’t mean you have to get a D, you can leave that heavy lifting to that fool of a husband. Because he must be a fool to leave such a fine and faithful woman.

Standing for the long haul takes conviction and beliefs. Standing really starts once you are healed enough to move on. At that point one starts to question what they are doing. Questions like you are asking right now.

...why does it sometime feel like I'm still waiting? Is that the message I'm sending H?

It feels like you’re waiting because you are. That is not mean, it is accepting the truth of this. We are waiting. Now, how do you live a full life while standing?

You focus on you and your values. Live as a single person; a single person who is not dating.

If you need a divorce for some financial stability or protection then fine, otherwise ignore it. If you’re not looking for someone else, and by standing your not, then your marital status doesn’t really matter.

Embrace your life fully! Every aspect of it, save one - the special relationship with someone. That part remains in limbo. It is not as difficult as you might imagine to get to here. There are some feelings to get through, to let flit, to remember and realize their temporary nature. It can be done. It can be worth it. You are worth it!

For myself, I chose to stand, and still choose to stand. Today is the first day that my divorce is finalize. My first day as a single man not in a relationship, in 30 some years. I have remained faithful during that entire time. Never once strayed during my M. I plan to continue living my single full life for a while. Standing? Maybe. I do believe that for me a one year post marriage period is a good idea. Just to settle everything down, especially before a new relationship.

I don’t know how long I will stand. I do know it is for me, and I do know I am able to stand down. For now, I’m not worrying about it, just living my peaceful life, and letting the answers come as they will.

I sincerely hope you find a similar peace.

DnJ