OK so dh was away most of the weekend and was pretty remote, I just left him to it other than a few logistics texts. I figured he needed some time to himself and to sleep well so I backed off. This morning I went to a thing with ds2 and dh texted to ask if we had fun. Then he came home but we all needed to go straight out again to pick up ds2's friends for a party. I just remembered dh commented on a lamp I bought a few months ago which is next to my bed, he must have been snooping round the house and round my bedroom...The party was a lot of fun and then we went for pizza which was also fine. But dh left early to miss the worst of the traffic and I felt pretty upset TBH. It didn't help all the teens were playing some game of life type thing on their phones and shouting stuff like 'I just got divorced!' or 'I've got depression!' or 'both my parents just died!' Pretty hilarious when you're a teen, pretty devastating when you're middle aged.
Dh rang when I was dropping the last friend off and we had a quick chat about how successful the party was (teen boys are hard to please but they were busy saying they wanted to do the same activity for their birthdays) and we said we'd see each other on Friday when I collect dh from the airport in France. He did want to meet up tomorrow or Tuesday but we both had stuff on which clashed so we agreed it wouldn't work. I feel sad and maybe a bit like perhaps I shouldn't have asked him to this holiday next week, he's there for 2.5 days out of our 6 days but perhaps I should have just gone without him and given him a chance to miss us. But I offered him the chance and he agreed to come. I feel apprehensive about how it goes, I don't want my expectations too high but at least we will have plenty of time to spend together calmly in a nice environment. Some background is that this place is where dh came back to me properly after his first mini BD (in a way he has been mini BDing me every winter for the past 5 years or so). I wish so much that instead of saying 'yes of course we should just move on and I'll have sex with you' that I had said 'there is no way I'm staying married to you with this stuff going on, we get help or you need to leave'. I don't know how much it would have helped, but one thing I said to my IC is that he's there to keep me honest, to not brush this stuff under the carpet ever again. I need to work out what stuff I say to dh when we're on holiday, maybe I will take some notes because I forget stuff easily particularly when I'm stressed. I've been listening to more podcasts about what to do when you're triggered, I should take notes on those too!
Anyway, tomorrow night I am out GAL at an event where there are plenty of nice, intelligent men who I can chat to and then it's busy getting ready to go away, I'm looking forward to it and so are the teens I think. I will have plenty of time to get some work done, go running and walking and eat pizza with the kids, it'll be fun I'm sure. And not travelling with dh is always a massive bonus, since he has awful travel anxiety! Must count my blessings.
