Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice. This is my first time posting in this forum, so I will tell you a little about my current situation.
My H and I have been married for 11 years and have two wonderful children. We always had a pretty solid M and R. We literally were best friends. Now, I won't said that our M was perfect, we had small fights here and there but nothing out of the norm. When I had my son a year ago I developed PPD (Postpartum Depression) and when on and off for over 10 months. I felt alone and abandoned and I blamed my H for it. This took a toll on our R, but my H never gave up on me. At the same time my H was very stressed at work and started to show symptoms of depression himself. At the end of last year he found out awful things about his childhood (his childhood was pretty rough) and this added to his stress and my PDD made things worse for him emotionally. Right before the holidays he told me that he didn't believe that our R could improve and that he wanted out. He left our home that day and didn't hear from him in days. Next time I saw him he looked awful and he had been crying.That day he said that he loved me but was not in love with me...because if were if would have never left. Friends told me that he looked depressed at work and was always by himself. They were also worried that he would hurt himself. The times I've talked to him he has mentioned that he was fighting his demons and that he was very unhappy with his life. That he's lost and doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore. He kept saying that he needed to be and find happiness and he didn't know if it was with me and the kids or not. He has also blamed me for his unhappiness and said that he has been miserable for years, pretty much all our M. At first I was in shock and I cried and begged him to come back, but after a few weeks I started doing things that made me feel better and started going to counseling. Thankfully I find myself in a much better place now. I have to for my children since they are very young and depend on me. My H also went to IC for a few weeks and I'm not sure if it helped him or made it worse. He has become a very angry individual and his only support right not it's his mother who also blames me for not being a good wife. He has cut communication with all his friends that have tried to get him come to his senses. He now says they are not real friends and has nobody to talk to. My H and I currently communicate via email, but only when it's something regarding our children, which unfortunately is not often. We haven't seen each other much since he left. He has been away and is returning soon.I'm sure if he will want to see the children once he returns. My D has been struggling with this and is confused by her father's behavior. She's at an age where she understands but doesn't really know what's going on (not sure if that even makes sense).
Has anyone been through this with little ones? Any advice?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you- I already read the Divorce Remedy and so far nothing has worked.
My H is not the same person I married 11 years ago. He is a stranger to me and to all of our close friends and family members. He says and does things that he would have never done before. He has new hobbies and spend hours at the gym. It's so confusing...
First, sorry you are here. Your sitch is so very familiar to this forum. You've come to the right place.
Originally Posted by Madaju
I already read the Divorce Remedy and so far nothing has worked.
The tools in DR are for YOU, not to fix your H. Take what advice you can to move yourself forward and be present for your kids. You and your kiddos should be your focus.
Originally Posted by Madaju
My H is not the same person I married 11 years ago. He is a stranger to me and to all of our close friends and family members. He says and does things that he would have never done before. He has new hobbies and spend hours at the gym. It's so confusing...
Do you think he may be having an affair? New hobbies, leaving friends, and 'hours at the gym" make me think he is.
And it IS confusing. Your emotions will go up and down on a regular basis. Keep reading, keep posting. You will receive wonderful advice here.
My story has some similarities and some differences from yours, but long story short my husband also left and I have a 3 year old daughter, so I understand the added difficulty and pain of dealing with this with very young children to care for. I remind myself how strong I am and how proud I am of myself for being a GREAT mother through all of this, and so I’ll remind you of how strong you are too . In some ways I almost think of it as an advantage; my daughter is a constant reminder and reason to be my Best Self no matter what, and I have to think that has helped my situation with my H at least a little bit.
First, sorry you are here. Your sitch is so very familiar to this forum. You've come to the right place.
Originally Posted by Madaju
I already read the Divorce Remedy and so far nothing has worked.
The tools in DR are for YOU, not to fix your H. Take what advice you can to move yourself forward and be present for your kids. You and your kiddos should be your focus.
Originally Posted by Madaju
My H is not the same person I married 11 years ago. He is a stranger to me and to all of our close friends and family members. He says and does things that he would have never done before. He has new hobbies and spend hours at the gym. It's so confusing...
Do you think he may be having an affair? New hobbies, leaving friends, and 'hours at the gym" make me think he is.
And it IS confusing. Your emotions will go up and down on a regular basis. Keep reading, keep posting. You will receive wonderful advice here.
Hi Grace21
I don't think he is having an affair, but I could be wrong. He has always gone to the gym, but now since he has nothing else to do, he spends most of his day there (and at work, of course). It's like an obsession.
I have been trying to focus on my children. Some days are better than others, but so far I think I'm managing well.
I just read your initial post and our stories do have some similarities. My children are 8 and 1 and I have also been focusing on them. They are what kept me going and they are what's important right now. They bring me joy and remind me that I have to be strong for them. So far I think I have been doing good, and as much as this situation blows, I have a found a positive side on all of this- My daughter and I are bonding like we never have before.
When I had my son a year ago I developed PPD (Postpartum Depression) and when on and off for over 10 months. I felt alone and abandoned and I blamed my H for it. This took a toll on our R, but my H never gave up on me. At the same time my H was very stressed at work and started to show symptoms of depression himself.
Are you being treated for this now? My XW went through it as well, it can be quite devastating! As for your H never giving up on you, that may very well have been the beginning of his discontent but he kept playing along while planning his exit.
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Right before the holidays he told me that he didn't believe that our R could improve and that he wanted out. He left our home that day and didn't hear from him in days. Next time I saw him he looked awful and he had been crying.That day he said that he loved me but was not in love with me...because if were if would have never left. Friends told me that he looked depressed at work and was always by himself. They were also worried that he would hurt himself. The times I've talked to him he has mentioned that he was fighting his demons and that he was very unhappy with his life. That he's lost and doesn't know who he is or what he wants anymore. He kept saying that he needed to be and find happiness and he didn't know if it was with me and the kids or not.
What are your ages? That sounds he's going through MLC. Don't pursue him, just pull back and give him time and space. Unfortunately he's "fired you" as wife, so you are not in a position to help him or encourage him to seek help right now.
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He has also blamed me for his unhappiness and said that he has been miserable for years, pretty much all our M.
Yes we call it "rewriting history". All he remembers is the bad things right now, he doesn't remember the good times. Eventually he'll come out of the fog and remember the good times but it can take a long time.
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At first I was in shock and I cried and begged him to come back, but after a few weeks I started doing things that made me feel better and started going to counseling. Thankfully I find myself in a much better place now.
Excellent!
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My H also went to IC for a few weeks and I'm not sure if it helped him or made it worse. He has become a very angry individual and his only support right not it's his mother who also blames me for not being a good wife. He has cut communication with all his friends that have tried to get him come to his senses. He now says they are not real friends and has nobody to talk to.
Is he still in IC? Hopefully he is. It's not unusual for a WAS, especially an MLCer, to distance from their friends.
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My H and I currently communicate via email, but only when it's something regarding our children, which unfortunately is not often.
That's actually good, the more time and space you can give him then the faster he'll work through his issues.
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My D has been struggling with this and is confused by her father's behavior. She's at an age where she understands but doesn't really know what's going on (not sure if that even makes sense).
Has anyone been through this with little ones? Any advice?
How old are your kids? They may need IC as well, discuss it with your IC and see what he/ she thinks.
you being treated for this now? My XW went through it as well, it can be quite devastating! As for your H never giving up on you, that may very well have been the beginning of his discontent but he kept playing along while planning his exit.
I was never treated for this. Honestly, I though I could handle it and get over it by myself. The unfortunate part I didn't snap out of it until a few days before BD. I believe it was then when I noticed my h's behavior changing. I knew something wasn't right. Basically the fear of loosing him made me see what I had become.
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What are your ages? That sounds he's going through MLC. Don't pursue him, just pull back and give him time and space. Unfortunately he's "fired you" as wife, so you are not in a position to help him or encourage him to seek help right now.
I'm 32 and my h just turned 35. What I find very strange is that when I first asked him to go to IC right after BD, he got very angry and told me he didn't need therapy. A month later I found out he had started going to IC and was seeing a behavioral therapist. He contacted me and let me know I was right and he needed to seek help. He's currently being treated for depression.
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Yes we call it "rewriting history". All he remembers is the bad things right now, he doesn't remember the good times. Eventually he'll come out of the fog and remember the good times but it can take a long time.
Yes, it's very sad that all he remembers right now is how bad of a wife I have always been. That if we didn't has children we would not have lasted. I mean... we just had a baby a year ago!
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How old are your kids? They may need IC as well, discuss it with your IC and see what he/ she thinks.
My children are 8 and 1. I do IC for myself, and also take my D8 to see someone who specializes in children.
Yesterday my h contacted me and let me know he is taking a job overseas. My children and I will be staying behind. I can't believe he is willing to move to another country and be away from our children. My S just turned 1 and has barely spent any time with his dad. My daughter is devastated. Her dad was everything for her, he was her best friend. How can someone change so drastically and not care about anything or anyone other than themselves?
