Dealing with a complex MLC and/or Wayward Wife #2

[P_Jam]

Hello All,
Back from my golf trip - went well, actually won the group tournament. I was able to not focus as much on the situation although it was always in the back of my mind (expected). It really started to hit me again on my 7hr drive home. Knowing that when I return I had 2 more days with her in the house before she is gone, and these 2 days would require my final help to get her set up in the new apartment (work computer). I had originally planned on a simple update of my sitch once I returned but it is the morning of her last day with us together and she initiated a "good bye" or R talk and I had to jump on here and try to re-cap word for word to see how I did. I already think I made some mistakes as I did more than validation - but it felt like the final stand and I had to get some stuff out there.

W: So it's my last day here I hope we can still talk as we move forward

Me: hmm... well, we can still talk about the kids of course. (weird facial expression from W)

W: I still love you (Insert my real name here) and you've been a huge part of my life for 16yrs.

Me: I love you too and I wish you happiness and I really hope you find what you're looking for. I need this time/space just as much as you and I will not be in an open relationship with you, nor will I be your plan B. I do not think we should co-mingle our lives and confuse the kids. I'm not sure if I've made this crystal clear in the past but... While you are out seeing other people trying to find "Mr- Right" I will NOT BE AN OPTION FOR YOU! I'm going to focus on moving on and working on me. If things change for you and you want to talk about a future then you can let me know. (I'm not 100% sure but I think she almost started to cry here and had to hold it back)

Me: I can't remember exactly what she said that created the opportunity for me to ask but it was an open door and I asked: Well, what went wrong? Why didn't this work? Basically trying to clarify BD issues.

W: It was the golf, always being gone leaving me here with the kids, etc. You would go even when you knew I wasn't happy about you leaving.

Me: I get that. I accept and own all of that. I also admit that I was emtionally un-available at times and understand how you feel like you were walking on egg shells. However I do not believe you were clear with me in August when we talked about exactly where you were and how bad it was (PA started in October). Admittedly I had an 'escape' from the busy house that I took advantage of. No denying that. But my escape was not just to get away from the house. It was because we didn't have (or work on) any relationship. We were just co-parents. You didn't want to do anything with just me. You didn't want to build a relationship that was mutually fulfilling outside of the family relationship. For this to work we needed our relationship first so that we then have the "family" relationship. You can re-write history all you want, but there is still no excuse for cheating - NONE!

W: I get that, that should not have happened and I admit that.

Me: I'm also not being a hypocrite here. I admit my infidelity in the past and I'm in IC working on those issues. Furthermore, I'm working with IC and the timeline of my infidelity and how it probably affected our relationship back then. Maybe you didn't know overtly but I have to admit that the timing of my cheating coincides with some issues back then. And I have to admit it may not be the standard "chicken or egg" question. Even if you didn't know about it, it definitely affected our relationship and I have to own that. Just as you do. ( <-- basically insinuating that her EA's go back farther than August and she needs to accept responsibility for how those relationships affected our relationship.) You are responsible for your happiness! I was not put on this earth (nor was any other guy) to make you happy. That is your job and your choice. You're out "Searching" for happiness when its right there inside you and it just needs to be cultivated.

W: I know

Me: I'm working with IC because I don't want to be that guy anymore. I don't want to every do that to anyone again and I want to resolve my issues (basically nice guy syndrome). <-- didn't say that to her.

Then we softly chatted about the kids, some questions they recently asked and I told her that we need to be consistent as they have recently asked how long you will be away and when you will be back. We cannot confuse them and we can't lead them to believe that we are still a 'family' in that sense.

So the tone had softened (although the above was not yelling or anything, just serious and tense). In the end I said:

Me: Good luck (her full name here) Talk to someone, get some help. I think you're 'chasing' when you shouldn't be.

No hug or anything. No more I love you.

Felt good at the time and felt necessary to say this stuff one more time before she leaves, but it's a double edge sword as I know it's the last conversation like this we will have FOR A VERY LONG TIME if ever at all. The next is NC unless kids related. and I will never know if this conversation helped, hurt or affected her in any way (and I want to know really bad) I have to put her behind me <-- but I also know that everything said above, was for the sake of her as I'm not detached yet.

It felt like I was DB'ing cause I was essentially breaking up with her - letting her know that I'm not an option right now but also pushing her again to talk to a professional. And not really a lot of 'mystery' although I did not insinuate anything other than we are done at this moment. Which although it's probably true anyway from her perspective but hurts like hell right now!

so, how'd I do?