I have not been here since August 2018 but I have been stepping on the gas pedal of my life. Gosh, where to begin. It is most accurate to say that I double downed (hard) on myself.
Key updates on me: I put my my head down and worked super hard at work. In the last year I have been promoted twice while so much of my life crumbled around me.
I play a lot of pickle ball - great social outlet, great stress reducer and I love it! I see friends regularly.
My kids are finally getting a little better. S15 was very angry over it all. He lashed out at me and held things together in front of his dad. I know that means I am the “safe” one. S13 grew quiet and withdrew. He is now starting to see friends, finally! They both are getting their senses of humor back. They have always maintained their grades and kindness towards others (though they often lashed out at me).
I have spent many, many hard hours, days and months fighting my ex in our divorce. It has been exhausting and time consuming. There is a whole book to write on this. I don’t even know which stories to tell you there are so many ridiculous ones. I guess the most classic MLC one is that my ex suggested that I have the kids every weekend so that I can have “my freedom on the weekdays!” Hah! Talk about projection. If only I had a button to drop him through the floor. He fought pretty hard and kept asking for this. I assume it is hard to date young women when you cannot run off together every weekend?!? He even put s13 up to telling me that both kids felt it was best they were with me every weekend! When I asked why neither kid could answer. It’s sad he tried to use them in that way. I told them that when you have kids and want to divorce both parents should see the weekend and weekday aspects of their kids’ lives, in a ideal world.
One other funny story is he tried to determine support based on what he felt like paying and he went to the judge and said this! He said this is what made sense even though by his own numbers plugged into the state of California’s system he owed me way more per month! He told the judge he should pay less as now as his life is harder without a wife to help him. Job - if you are reading this I think one will make you laugh out loud. My lawyer said that was a case for me to receive the support I deserved: that I do d my job as primary care giver. And I won the maximum support. It was more than even my lawyer thought I would get.
When my ex suggested he get to choose the amount of support I receive, I wanted to joke, hey, why isn’t support determined by spinning Wheel of Fortune style! Makes about the same amount of sense.
We don’t really speak and he ignores me when we are at kids’ events. When he does text me, the messages often have a lot of anger. He is still mad I got my own lawyer and “wasted all our money.” In our marital separation agreement he tried to write in that all my support would end automatically if I cohabitated with anyone on a romantic basis. Of course that is not legal but that is his pattern: trying to set all his own rules. My lawyer said she had never seen anything like it- the language was so restrictive.
There are bizarre texts too. I play pickle ball on the nights I don’t have my kids and my ex tried to get me to drop something off one of those nights and I told him no I could not. He kept pushing and I simply said I am not available to do this tonight. And then he started texting me snide comments about me being out with my “benefactor.” ??? And he actually used that word. It has become a running joke with friends now. If I can’t meet them they will ask if I am out with my benefactor and we all laugh hysterically.
As for where I am headspace wise, I still sometimes can’t believe all that happened to my life. Sometimes I wonder if he did have a MLC or if I just made excuses for his bad behavior. But then recently the kids told me my ex said we were never in love and that made me so mad. I brought down 20 photo albums and told them to flip through. We were happy. We were in love. And when I really stop and think about the classic MLC signs, I know in my heart my guy was a textbook case.
He projected a lot onto me and I see all that now.
I think about you all often. I thank all of you for all your wonderful support.
Oh, I am thankful to be on the other side of this. Life does get better. It was way harder to live with him, just as Job often told me. I am happy. I do feel like I cheated death as it was hard living with all that craziness.
I do plan on checking in on old friends here. If there are newbies with similar situations I can help here. I know there are not many men who stay living in during their MLCs.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
