What do I do?

[HB_Wife]

I'm having a hard time today keeping my thoughts to myself. I asked H why all of the sudden he changed the type of music he listens to (he has always listened to Christian music and has in the past made me feel bad for not always listening to Christian radio). He pointed out that I don't always listen to CR and that he just wants a change and that he used to listen to other stations before. I replied with, "okay, I was just curious." Of course my mind is racing and thinking that he is doing his best to separate himself from God since it won't make his conscience feel guilty or that he listening to music that the OW likes.

Also, he has started cussing a lot too, which is out of character for him.

I just pray that I get my husband back some day instead of this new person I'm having to deal with. 🙄

[ovrrnbw]

Just accept that he is gone and it will be easier to move forward and do the things you need to do to heal, learn, grow and detach.

Sorry though, I know that feeling. It stinks big time but you are also overthinking it. Every WAS starts toacts different in some ways.

[HB_Wife]

Just accept that he is gone and it will be easier to move forward and do the things you need to do to heal, learn, grow and detach.

Sorry though, I know that feeling. It stinks big time but you are also overthinking it. Every WAS starts toacts different in some ways.

You are right, I need to realize that he is gone. A part of me wants to save him, but I have to let him fail on his own. To not be there and help him out.

All which is difficult.

[HB_Wife]

Question...

H is always saying that he is tired. I usually reply with, "I'm sorry" or if he had a busy day, "You were busy today." He tends to say this after he is done chatting with the OW. He wakes up very early during the work week to chat with the OW while she gets ready for work. So he is up almost 2 sometimes 3 hours before work. So yeah, he is tired!

Do I need to validate his comment? If so, how?

[HB_Wife]

Anyone with advice for message above?

We had a good day yesterday doing family stuff. The kids had fun and so did I. H shared every moment with the OW by sending her plenty of pictures of himself and the kids. H ran out of cell phone data, so he bought some more and claimed that he ran out b/c all the photos that were uploading that he didn't realize was doing (could be true...but more so because he kept texting OW).

Lately he has been talking to me more...the anger he has towards me is fading. I'm still the enemy though because I stand in the way of his happiness with his soulmate, I'm sure.

I need to detach some more....his words no longer affect me but I always wonder why he said what he said. I need more help with validating and 180. He has noticed my 180 and mentioned 2 months ago that I was trying to compete with the OW. "Oh honey, no, she is competing with me, dear."

[Hurt213]

Hi HB_Wife.

I wrote a freakin long text about how you need to step up and dont involve yourself in validation in regards to his life when it comes to his OW. And then my macbook decided to shut down.

I am not about to start over, so here is the TL:DR.

Do not, never, ever... validate your husband when he talks about OW, wtf.... Thats weak, and he won't respect you one inch as long as you do that. Be strong, be independent, and let him deal with his issues. Live for you and live in the present. Stop being the victim - Easy? no, doable? absolutely one day at a time...

Live your potential from today and onwards, dear...

[HB_Wife]

Do not, never, ever... validate your husband when he talks about OW, wtf.... Thats weak, and he won't respect you one inch as long as you do that. Be strong, be independent, and let him deal with his issues.

He doesn't talk about the OW with me, which is good. He knows better. I see what you mean though. H saying that is tired... from living a double life, at least that's how I interpret it. Otherwise, I don't acknowledge anything relating to the OW. At one point, she got injured and it required her to go to the ER. One of her relatives texted my H from her phone letting him know what was going on. I did not say anything other than, "I bet that hurt." That response was before finding this site.

Yes, one day at a time.

[HB_Wife]

Well, since I last posted a few things have happened...

H made a change in behavior and turned towards me and away from the OW. He finally could look into my eyes when talking, engaged and started conversations and was his happy self that left about 5 months ago. He would leave his phone alone for more than 5 mins. Things were looking promising and I thought maybe the affair was coming to an end. Well, the OW is back and H is depressed and his joy is gone. He is starting to be snippy with me and the kids again.

I so want to cuss the OW out and expose the affair, but I know that is wrong and not helpful.

[AnotherStander]

How do you know this is an EA and not PA? So your H is getting up 2 to 3 hours early each morning just to chat with OW? And you put up with this?? He is a cake-eater extraordinaire! My inclination is to tell you to kick him out, tell him you're not putting up with his crap anymore and you are done with his deplorable behavior. If you can't or don't want him out then at a minimum I would suggest going stone-cold dark on him. Don't do anything with him, don't cook for him, don't do his laundry, don't clean up after him. If he complains then tell him to put on his big boy panties and take care of himself, because clearly he doesn't want you as his W anymore and you sure as hell aren't his maid or mom. He's acting out like a rebellious teen and I'm sure I don't have to tell you what happens when you smile and pretend everything is OK when a teen is acting out. They will RAILROAD you. Same thing with him.

[SoTorn]

Do not validate his feelings or whats happening with OW. Do not validate anything bad he says about you or any put downs he throws your way.

I keep my validation to only specific situations. When the WW is complaining that I did something to make her feel a certain way I just say "I am sorry you feel that way". If she says she is tired I use the same thing "I am sorry". I don't initiate conversation at all with her.

If she says hi and bye I will say it back, otherwise I am a ghost. I have no desire to even be around my WW.

Validation is a very difficult thing for me to master, but I have done a good job thanks to these forums. I just need to make sure I don't validate lies, re-writing history etc.