staying the course

[lost8]

Guys thank you for responding. I am taking all feedback and looking at it as a whole.

I did talk to W the evening that I found the deleted emails. Again the history with my W...has felt neglected her whole life, was sent away from home to train to be a competitive athlete in her teens where she was sexually abused. Has always had self esteem problems due to coaches and mother stressing appearance for her training. And her parents have always been hands off with her, and way different than how I was raised.

I preempt this because my W said she has been thinking about why she has had this A. She broke down and said she has never felt good enough and is afraid of being alone. She said part of the A was driven by drugs since he supplied in the beginning but led to her always being afraid that I will leave her. I'm not making excuses, this was told to me and she said she would do anything to gain my trust again and I told her I have seen how I have not fully given her the confidence to see that I will always be here.

I took two more days and after she said that she doesn't want to go back to the way we were that led to this and I acknowledge my part in our M drifting and committed my self to my 180s as we will soon be in an empty nest sitch and we need to focus on us. She said this is something she had been thinking about what I could do to build her confidence back up.

Then two days ago I said I had been thinking and to gain her trust back she needed to make the call. The one that probably never happened obviously because of the content of the emails. She said she didn't want to talk to him and after a brief discussion let it go. That night we were out and she had another small breakdown and said she would do it. I told her I would appreciate it and I had to be present.

So here we are and like I said am taking the recent posts to heart, Neffer said this is part of the withdrawal process and breaking the addiction, it won't happen overnight but if I am the man she wants to be with she will break free with my help. AS, yes I have been given access and do not look often, like it has been weeks but will continue to move forward with my eyes wide open. And Sandi, I am taking my opportunities to set boundaries. I told my W at the time of that we needed her to make her call that we will never have the trust in each other if this doesn't happen. I told W this would either be her last lie by telling OM that this was all a mistake and to NC or would be her first 100% truthful statement that will relieve herself of having to live this lie and the start of regaining my trust.

Still taking baby steps and non of this was done be either of us with any anger.