Having no expectations or low expectations is soooooo hard though. I also find it hard empathising with someone who has their walls up against you too, I so want to understand and have compassion for my dh but when I feel shut out I feel rejected instead and then it's back to being about me instead of him. Then it's self protection mode. It's certainly difficult to have empathy for someone who has the power to hurt you. I don't know whether any of that resonates? I also don't know how best to move forward, maybe with as much kindness to both yourself and him as possible.
And yes, all of this totally resonates. I feel so totally vulnerable trying to emphathise with someone who seems to massively resent me and still want contact with me. Whenever I offer kindness, I risk rejection and it just really really hurts right now. And yet he does seem to want kindness, at least sometimes. I don't know how to move forward. I'm not sure I can go into caring for him without expectations or without being in self protective mode right now, and he can clearly sense both my expectations or my fear and vulnerability, and both seem to anger him. I guess he just needs his life to be entirely about him and his own needs right now. And I can understand that. I wonder if the right thing to do is just to take a massive massive step back - do things by the DB book - until his project is over and he has some capacity to respond. I am just so afraid and I can't seem to get past that. Something he said on Friday afternoon which really hurt was, 'the thing is, I just don't have time to manage a divorce right now,' which reminded me of something he said in January - that he was offering some kindness and continued connection until the end of his project because he wanted to 'buy time' and placate me until he had time to do a divorce. I am really really terrified of showing care and empathy if that's secretly what his plan or intention is. He has more consistently said the opposite. But my fear is there and it totally controls my decisions some days.
