That was really hard, though I feel steadier than I would have done after an experience like this a few weeks ago.
So - H came on Friday to be in the house for the puppy and Youngest while I was at work - Youngest finished early for easter vacation. H had just come off his night shift and hadn't slept much. He arrived while I was still at home, about lunch time, and we had a small talk. I was upset - I don't know why - and it would have been better for me just to get to work and leave him to it, but I really wanted some reassurance that he was actually okay with being in the house and wasn't just going to throw it back in my face after a few hours. He's a tendency to do that - I think we're having a nice time, or we're close, or we've had a good conversation or a quiet time together - and he agrees (I have texts saying he was looking forward to spending time with me this weekend, for example) then a day or a few hours later he will say he hated it, never wanted to do it in the first place, was forced to do it, etc etc. It's destroyed my trust and self esteem and I had that in mind when I was upset. I cried a bit. I saw that mean streak in him again, which was scary, but we both managed to get it together, have a hug. He said he really wanted to have his family back, to come and work on things, to support me and be supported by me. He said he needed to get to the end of this project and then he'd have the time and space to devote to cherishing me and our family and 'intensively working on things' and he said for him, working on things would involve owning his own stuff and speaking up for his own needs. We had another hug and things seemed fine when I got back from work.
I cooked, we ate, he seemed happy enough. He slept over - in my / our bed. He was affectionate but exhausted and it was just that - sleep. I was up early the next morning to take the dog out, cooked breakfast for everyone then went out to GAL in the AM. The plan was that H would go out in the afternoon - for GAL or rest or whatever he wanted - but he actually arranged one of Youngest's friends to come over on a playdate. I said I was happy to supervise the playdate so he could leave, or take the kids out somewhere so he could be in the house alone and rest - but he didn't want either of those things. So I cooked again, and he mowed the lawn and played with the kids and sorted out the garden. I could see he was totally exhausted - he'd not really managed to sleep much during the day so was pretty deranged by Saturday evening. I partly enjoyed having him around - it was a real dose of normality, just being there and doing ordinary things - and partly feeling very insecure and tearful and upset and running around cooking and making sure the dog didn't bother him and he didn't have to do anything, then feeling resentful for being so anxious and servile, and trying to keep all of that secret and undetectable was totally exhausting.
Once Youngest was in bed he started ranting - not shouting, exactly, but speaking at me in a really harsh and blaming and cruel way. Apparently I'd ruined his weekend. He didn't need me cooking for him, all he needed was sleep and space and I never let him have any of that. I suggested he go home if he felt like that, and he said he couldn't because of how I would respond. I said you're assuming a lot there. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and I went over and hugged him and said, 'You're panicking. And you're going to be okay. You need rest and you're going to be fine,' and he was like a stone. In the end he did leave, and I was upset and he could tell but I didn't make a bit deal out of it or call him up or anything.
I think I probably was looking after him too much, and it wasn't freely given because he knew I wanted him to be happy in the house so he'd come back, and he knew I was looking for reassurance, and it made him feel pressured and upset. And I also think he's half mad from stress and lack of sleep and perhaps he wishes he could cope with normal family life at the moment and he can't, and rather than just admit that, and be vulnerable enough to let me help him (by taking over the play date, for example) it's easier for him to get nasty and blame me. He said he'd been forced to arrange the play date because I never did anything for Youngest. Which is just factually, stupidly untrue and not a matter of perception, and he knows that. I didn't even bother arguing with it.
I am sad this morning. I know a lot of this is my stuff - the not giving care freely but using it to get affection or care from him that he just can't give. And I know a lot of it is his stuff - the dishonesty and the blame and the lack of capacity right now. And while I am steadier this morning than I have been in times past, and not as devastated or terrified or rejected feeling, I am thinking that it was pretty much more of the same - me trying to please him, him getting resentful about it and not really wanting what I have to offer and not being able to offer very much at all himself. And I miss him. I feel sad and at night time sometimes I feel lonely and I want my family life back, and my husband back - not this cold, resentful, blaming, absent monster. He is about a month away from this project ending, and it is not an excuse - it is totally once in a life time extraordinary circumstances. And he doesn't trust but seems to resent my attempts at support, and there's nothing I can do but try to take what he says at face value and take care of myself until this time is over then we can see what things look like.
But I am just very very very sad. I have GAL plans for today. He was going to do something for me tonight (collecting Eldest from his school trip) which would involve him being out of bed late, so I've made another arrangement so he doesn't need to do that. I'll text him and tell him later when I can be sure the text won't wake him up. I know I will feel better once I get up and going but today I just feel really lonely and like I want to be held.
