Thank you Dawn - I still wish I had more of your pride during BD though. I’m gonna try to go easy on myself though cause I did not know about all ex’s secrets back then and he had been gaslighting.
So journaling cause I’m home alone on a Saturday night. I kept myself happily busy during the day. Homecares, a yoga class, bike riding and a trip to Trader Joe’s (my favorite store ever). But now I’m feeling lonely. My friends all have babies or IVF treatments or live far away (although maybe a few are always looking for nights out) and I haven’t really reached out to them.
I’m gonna have to date soon just for the socialization I think. But I need to get myself in a better place. I have been comfort eating and I am now almost at the same weight I was after my son was born. I need to lose 7 pounds and i will feel much more confident and I will fit in a lot of my post BD clothes. Not all. I actually dropped down to my lowest weight ever post BD which was less then when I ran track in high school. I remember my boss was begging me not to lose anymore weight. And going back to that weight would require starvation and I was losing my hair at the time so that’s not what I want. But I actually liked how clothes looked on me at a closely anorexic weight. That’s not mentally healthy. Now I’m in the opposite where the numbers on the scale keep going up. I notice I am eating when I am not even hungry. And I read cook books while I eat which is like eating pornography and makes me over eat. I do fine during the day and then it’s when i come home from work. Or when I’m stressed at work and people bring in bakery goods.
The truth is, guys don’t seem to mind weight and sometimes prefer more weight and curves but I feel so much more confident when I have low body fat. I know that logically it’s a stupid thing to focus on and my confidence should not be based on my weight. It’s always been the 1 thing I could control though.
I also need to become fun and happy again. I have been depressed the last several months and just feeling unsettled. I feel better now that I am single but still not quite there yet.
I was looking at the potential people on the dating sites. I feel like I would have a better selection if I was younger, so that’s a bit frustrating. I am realistic. A successful guy that is good looking is gonna date 10 years younger. I get that. I go more for morals and personality then for looks. This time around, I want to date someone that is more compatible with me in terms of activity level and interests. I never end up dating guys that like to read or hike or bike. One of my friends said I need to date an athletic guy, another one said a soft spoken nerdy type. The last guy I dated and my ex husband were more blue collar background, into mechanical things and very arrogant.
OLD is really the only option I have to meet people. The activities I like tend to attract all females or really weird effeminate guys or younger guys and it’s really hard for me to make time for meet up groups. People always say work on you. I don’t even know what that means. I’m just doing nice things for myself - like yoga and exercise and reading for enjoyment. My attention span is only allowing me to reread favorite books I find around the house though. But that’s better then a few years ago. ( I used to be an avid novel reader prior to BD and then became hyper focused on divorce and cheating)
Ok. Sorry for boring everyone l. Maybe in a month or two I will have some interesting stuff to talk about.
