I think you have seen a lawyer already, if memory serves. So you will have the default position or settlement information at hand. For example where I live everything is 50/50 and spousal support is based on the incomes of each person, the lower getting topped up with a percentage of the higher spouse’s income. The same for retirement funds and pensions. Child support also has preset calculations.
From here some items can be negotiated, some cannot. An attorney is absolutely necessary to learn and understand your’s, your spouse’s, and your kids’ rights.
As for working out some of the details beforehand. Some very good cautions from peacetoday regarding the behaviour the MLCer can and will partake in. You really cannot expect them to keep their word. They change their minds all the time and are driven by emotions which are pretty darn dynamic.
If you two do sit down to talk about a separation - let him talk. Listen to all he has to say. If he has generous offers, say that sounds reasonable. If he doesn’t, don’t try to reason out why it is no good, he won’t respond well to that.
Basically if he comes to you with a really good deal or one you can live with and probably is better than what you would receive in court, then take it to L and get it drawn up. From what I experienced if the MLCer sees this as their idea they will go along with it, if it comes from you, he will fight it.
Do you have a list of things you are really wanting (reasonably) and a list of things you can let go to get more of what you truly want. I mean this as which items are you looking to make better than 50/50 for you and are willing to go less than 50/50. If there are items that he really wants (more immediate income for example) and you could get better child custody arrangements that would be something to consider. Everyone’s lists are different and needs are different, so I’m just mentioning this so you can think about it.
I found it quite interesting how the MLCer sees their life; young and going to live forever, like a teenager. It is surprising what they actually want and what they don’t. If he sits downs and tells you stuff, listen carefully they drop lots of clues.
As for DB principles, which I love that you are following, keep your focus on your needs and your kids. Even if H is making a terrible blunder (which he already has, you are an awesome person) he isn’t going to listen to you. Stay kind and cordial and remain calm. If things get nasty and ugly, just use the lawyer.
With H living at home I am thinking he will sit down and want to discuss things sooner rather than later.
Best of luck. Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
