Steve85. I had a thought this morning as soon as I woke up that's kind of bugging me. Come to think of it, this thought has been all throughout our marriage. Since you were the one that brought up covert contracts, maybe you can help me answer a question or two? It's about giving without expectation inside of a marriage.
One of the many reasons why I married my W almost 10 years ago, is because she was such a thoughtful and kind giver in a very understanding an intimate sense. She is like this with everyone, but when we were first dating even more so with me. I have been horrible with this all as of recently. But not intentionally. When I was younger before my wife my earlier 20s, and previous relationships I had more time, and more money and resources to think about thoyghtful gestures, and about these things and execute them. As I've gotten older, and more preoccupied, and more self-centered, I let my thoughtfulness and gift-giving fall by the wayside.
What I am trying to ask is. Is there a way to test someone if they are giving unconditionally, or are harboring resentments because you didn't give back the way our spouses expected us to?
I've realized how in some ways I have disappointed my W over the years in this area. I definitely have to work on being more thoughtful and considerate, but when I do get something whether it be my time my energy or just a gift. I do it without absolutely any expectations in return.
I cannot help but feel that she harbors resentments and disappontments not only to me, but other people, and family members as well, if she is not met with the same conditional consideration over time. Not only with gift giving, but people attending certain family occasions and missing them, without getting factual info on why they couldn't attend. For example she took it very personal when some of her family members couldn't attend our son's first birthday. Here is another recent example. She doesn't like my older brother, but my older brother was available to watch my S1 all week, when my MIL couldn't. Out of appreciation she went out and got him a gift card on a Sodastream. My brother loved the gift but he also recognized that she was just simply returning a favor, rather than giving unconditionally. She wouldn't have ever gone out of her way to get him a gift for anything, even for Christmas, and we both know this.
I think she feels she has given a lot of herself away over the years, and has been a people pleaser, who always does the right thing, but she doesn't seem to respect, or take an interest as to why other people act the way they do, or miss certain occasions, etc. I think she's going through a selfish phase now.
I guess you could call this conditional vs. unconditional love in a sense.
Just so I know for certained, and with clarity, who I am dealing with now. Can you think of any good examples on how to test this, or them? Conditional vs. Unconditional.
I'm hoping one day she realizes this. I cannot point it out to her, and like herself, I cannot wait around for her forever, hoping that she "will just get it" someday, like they expect of us. Keep in mind I have no expectations at this point, I'm just looking for some ideas on how to bench test this. If it doesn't work for me here I'm sure it'll work for me somewhere else in another relationship where I can get a good gauge on who I am dealing with.
