I prepped/cooked the meat and took it over there, she bought/made all the sides. I had it in my mind to be as positive and upbeat as possible, pretty easy with S3 around. I got there and she already seemed off - we said our hellos; it was clear that she was apprehensive about something, so I went to play with S3 since I hadn't seen him in a couple days and he was excited to see me. She kind of shadowed us around the house as we played, not really saying anything. She offered me a tour of the house after a while which I accepted (didn't want to seem rude) - went upstairs, said hello to S15 who was playing video games, she showed me around, and we went back downstairs to see if the last part of dinner was ready. It wasn't, so I went back into playing with S3 while she sat at the table and we made idle conversation about what I'd been up to recently. I kept it vague: homework, going out with friends, etc.
When the last of dinner was ready, only a few minutes after coming downstairs, we made plates and sat at the table. S15 was in the middle of something "important" in his video game, so he didn't join us and S3 was wrapped up in a TV show. She broke down almost instantly after sitting down. She said that she felt incredibly guilty, that she missed having her family, and that her recent vacation was filled with her crying the whole time. She said that the trip put things into perspective for her and that she didn't understand why she rushed into everything that she did. I validated her feelings and she asked me if I could ever forgive her. I asked her to clarify what she meant by "forgive her" and she asked if I would consider trying to "work on us". I told her that I didn't know if I could forgive her and that I didn't know if I'm in a place where I want to work on us. Both of those are true - I would love to have my family back, but I'm not sure if it's in my heart right now. I told her that I would think about it, and excused myself. I've made so much progress on myself as a person; all of the things she did were so hurtful; I'm honestly afraid of what reconciling looks like. I know the right answer is to keep my family together, I believe that with all my heart. Why is this so difficult?
