Moving on to the bright side Part 24

[DonH]

Sad to say, but I remember the details of bomb day like the details of 9/11.

I have to say that I really relate with this. Clearly, I don't think about 911 much if at all other than if something pops up on television or I happen upon an artifact showing or something. Yet it's still clear in my head where I was, what I was doing, etc. It's the same with BD. It's even more-so, three or perhaps four days later, Bomb drop happened on a Monday in June after my ex W got home from work. The previous weekend was tense and I knew something was up but would have never guessed what. But I remember most everything that happened.

What is REALLY burned into me is a meeting with a councilor that we met with three or four days later - on a Thursday or Friday afternoon. ExW had used the "services" of the employee assistance at the hospital she worked for. Did these people have specific training? I have zero idea. I'm nearly positive they supported or even encouraged her leaving. I had hoped we were going to see a "real" councilor and this might be the start of fixing things - you know how it is 72-hours in - you think you can fix it. It then dawned on me either earlier that day or the night before... this might be a "trap." This might only be another way to say she wanted a divorce - which had not been said previously. I got there, came in, we started and within a few minutes I breathed a sigh of relief, even telling them that phewwwwww I thought this was going to be a meeting to set the end. It was then that she confirmed what I suspected. "Don, I do want a divorce," she said. I totally lost it. And this "councilor" looked at me and said, "is this how you really want to be acting now?" I almost could not believe my ears. No I'm sorry, no, it's going to be okay, no, let's get you some help - just "scolding" me for not acting the way she thought I should act when your wife tells you she wants a divorce. It was surreal. I HATED that lady - and still do. Of course she was trying in her un-trained feeble way to say what we have learned here about how to act in a bomb drop. To me it was adding insult to injury - not only was I getting divorced but I was not acting like one should act when they are given such news. I remember going out to the parking lot and I could not find my way out. I could see planes taking off and landing at the airport where I had based my plane for many years yet I had no clue how to get out of the parking lot. That's how messed up my brain was.

The very next day I met with a different "councilor" from the office who suggested I might want to read Divorce Busting. It will be 14 years this June since that happened and you can still see how clearly I remember it - if I think about it. Thing is, I rarely think about it anymore and I'll bet it's at least a 50-50 chance that June 21st or 22 or 23rd will hit before i go "Oh, wow, it's the 14th anniversary of BD." The actual occurrence fades away. The damage it did stays - I'm sure of it. No doubt, at least part of how I'm living my life today is still rooted in what happened to me after I trusted someone - something I had rarely if ever done before (and since). If this still sticks with me now 14-years later, I'm sure it has to be at least a little bit of why you are hesitant to commit more to the doctor. How could it not be.