I've been thinking about acceptance and uncertainty too. I know when I feel angry with H it is because I want him to say 'everything is going to be okay' and for me to be able to believe him. And of course he can't say that, and he can't make me believe or not believe anything. It isn't his job to cure my trust issues in this relationship or my general anxiety around vulnerability or my existential woe! And I did make it his job - I expected him to be my solid ground and he really did try his best to be. I think a lot of his anger is about feeling shamed for not being able to make me safe in the way I wanted to be.
And now I have to accept uncertainty and come to rely on myself and be the person who says to myself 'it will be all right' and some days I can and some days I can't. It is so so so hard. I will check out the podcast you mention. A book I've found useful about this sort of thing is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It is Buddhist but she refers to other spiritual traditions too and if you're not a person of faith, I don't think it loses its value or there's anything objectionable in it.
Sigh, yes, you're right. Yet another thing I have to work on. I actually have a bit of a dread of Tara Brach now though because I listened to her a lot when I was deep in the early weeks of not sleeping and being anxious all the time, and somehow that has contaminated my feelings about her! It was kind of helpful in calming me down back then but I haven't listened to her since. But maybe I can try practicing acceptance in other ways. My IC did say he thought I'd been extremely patient, that was good to hear when I don't FEEL patient. Nice to have some validation.
OK, so date last night. Met up and went for a walk and dinner. I've had a few terrible nights' sleep, an horrific nightmare the night before last and was feeling quite fragile after that and feeling poorly. Dh was also exhausted after finishing his busy time at work, binge drinking on Tuesday night and seeing his mother on Wednesday. Two very tricky things: I asked dh what his plans were for Easter and ds1's birthday which is just before. He said he was planning a lie in before joining us on Good Friday. I felt very rejected by that and went cold. I even fiddled with my wedding ring and put it in my pocket. He noticed me go cold and asked what was wrong and I couldn't tell him without either criticising him or getting really upset. I didn't know how to react. So I kept being cold and he chatted a bit and then I warmed up and moved on. Later on at dinner I was telling him about my lovely day out a week ago or so and mid sentence he looked over at another table and completely blanked me. Then he looked back at me like nothing had happened and didn't ask me to continue. So then I said maybe I should just leave and he acted all hurt and said sorry and got defensive and said he was tired and hadn't meant anything. And I cried a little bit and then we left and he said sorry and I said sorry and that I was super sensitive to rejection right now and he walked me to the station and I got a kiss on the lips but pretty much only because I demanded it. Sigh. And on the train I sent him a text saying I have stuff to say to him but he's not in the right place right now and it's scary for me. I felt like I need to tell him how I want to be open and vulnerable with him but how hard it is when he has the power to hurt me, and about the stuff I've been learning about myself and how I distance and how I go cold and how I want to change that. And I also want to tell him about the mask dream, but I just didn't feel safe last night so I wasn't brave enough (or he wasn't in the right place, maybe a bit of both).
I had a dream last night that the kids and I were staying in a hotel room which was like a room in a castle with locked gates and you could drive your car out into another locked area and then you still had to get out of more locked gates. And I said to the kids that this was like their dad's flat. And then dh turned up and there was a big walking group going up and down the stairs in the castle and I had promised dh something but forgotten so I got out of my car and ran down the stairs to go fetch it for him but the walkers were in my way. And I was all flustered and apologetic about letting him down and him being angry with me (a massive theme in our marriage but also behaviour I learnt from my mum). And then dh turned up near the top of the stairs and we started walking down and he said what a nice idea the walking group was and maybe we should join in, but I didn't want him to know how I found out about the group in case he went off to join them by himself. And then I woke up crying and angry that dh is keeping me and the kids locked in a room inside a castle when we need to be free. Woah. Sorry, just needed to get that down before I forget it! The walls of the room weren't that high but it was claustrophobic in there.
Anyway this morning we had a few friendly texts and then dh rang me a couple of times but my phone was on silent so then he started texting me as though I was angry with him (I wasn't at that stage) so I rang him back and said I couldn't hear the phone ringing. And he told me about his lunch with his mum and how he had told her not to bother me because she upset me last time. I thought about it a bit and then rang him really angry that he has been discussing me with his mum and told him not to do it. And then he said he was sick of me beating him up and I should just calm down instead of ringing up angry, so I pointed out that he had rung me first and I felt ambushed. Then he sent me a text about all the stuff I have ignored him complaining about over the years and I said I wished I could change the past and I was sorry. We sort of patched it up, I said sorry for the past and also for treading on his sore spots sometimes. He also asked what I meant about last night's text saying I had stuff to say and I said I couldn't discuss it on the phone. And he asked if my health was ok and I said yes (I had a cancer scare a few years back and he responded to it by rejecting me, but my IC suggested it was because he was terrified of losing me) And I felt upset that he cares about my physical health but apparently not my emotional health. But anyway.
So I calmed down a bit and then sent him a text saying that I was upset yesterday that he wasn't intending to see ds1 on his birthday, but that I didn't know how to say that without criticising him so I went cold instead, and that wasn't very mature of me and it's a bad habit of mine. And that I shouldn't take it as a personal rejection and I should butt out of him and ds1's relationship. And that I was feeling fragile this week. He rang me later and said that I was right, that he should see ds1 on his birthday (he made a huge effort to see ds2 recently on his birthday, so he's correct). We agreed to meet up for a family dinner after dh and ds1 finish work on his birthday, and I said I would ask ds1 to come with us for 2 out of 4 days over Easter. Since then we've had a few texts back and forth about possible venues and stuff to do for his birthday.
Massive brain dump there. Takehomes for me to think about and work on: be less reactive with dh, come up with more strategies for when I'm triggered. Be brave and try to open up with him sometime (on holiday?). Ponder the meaning of the castle dream (the walls and gates were low, boundaries? Or him locking himself away from us? Both?). Practice acceptance and detachment from the outcome (I will be ok no matter what, none of this work on myself is wasted) So just a short to do list there lol.
