I am seeing H a fair bit over the next few days - and I've decided just to keep it as pleasant and light as I can. Be supportive where I can, and take care of my own needs where I can't. He's exhausted and anxious and so much of our interaction is either awkward and wary and frightened - on both sides - or 'here's where I need you to do better' - on both sides - or 'here's how distressed I am about something' (on my side). Not that there can't be room for that in any R, but we're not R, we're cordially separated pending a discussion - and for the time being perhaps it would be better just to enjoy each other's company a bit if possible, and create a positive environment for the kids if not.
I know what happens - we are in each other's company and I feel like I am being kind and happy and supportive, and demonstrating in small, non-pressure ways that his stress is on my mind and I am looking to care for him in some way - and that all seems to work well - but after a while (hours or days depending on my mood and what else is going on) I just feel like nothing's coming back, which makes me feel resentful, which makes me feel vulnerable and like he's taking advantage of me, and I either express that, or I ask him for something, which seems to trigger all kinds of resentment in him. It's really hard. I guess I have to have no expectations, be kind without chasing, and take care of myself. I can protect myself because I'm not living with him and I won't live with him unless he is also willing to give to the relationship, but for the time being, I can be kind to the father of my children who is suffering a bit right now. I hope I can do it without expectation.
