LBH Looking for Help and Guidance

[Ready2Change]

From my observations here on the boards, talking rarely helps the LBS.


My understanding is she fired you as her husband. Has she begged you to forgive her?


Everything is counter-intuitive.

She is testing you. Woman continually test their men. Pass the test.

What is the purpose of cancelling last minute?

The real questions is what is the purpose of this talk?


Why does she need to talk to you so bad?

Why is it so urgent?

Why do you need to hear what she has to say?

Remember that we are giving you general guidelines based on other peoples experiences and results. You know your W better than anyone else on this planet. The best thing you can do is get as many options as possible and make a choice and live with the consequences of that choice.


Evaluate all the pro's and con's of all the options.





I believe everything is fair in love and war. Your goal is to seduce your woman back. She has to feel like she has lost you. Has she had that feeling?

[neffer]

Yep JB, what R2C says.

Listen, I didn’t beg W to come back. So there was no loosing feeling for my marriage. It was as another cycle of W-OW-W...for me. I knew it was not that easy if I were to come back. So I met this enlightening forum and knew I had to DB myself. Here I am.

She needs to fight, she needs to beg. Patience, no expectations, mystery


and evil smile.

[ovrrnbw]

So I feel like there is a 2x4 in there somewhere, but it's not clearly defined. I generally understand why the dinner is not ideal (extended time around each other, gives away some level of control/perception of control over the situation, perception that I am "available" to her), but I agreed to it to make the whole engagement more neutral (having the kids around tempers emotions, it's at her place so I always have the option to leave, gives her a sense of ease as it's in her environment).

What is the purpose of cancelling last minute? That seems incredibly immature from my perspective - not trying to attack the idea, just wanting to understand the logic.

Additionally, it seems like a couple of you would not entertain listening to her at all - what is the reasoning behind that?

It's clear that you want to go talk her into being married with you and that you have an explanation as to why it makes sense. Yet everyone else sees it differently.

As someone else said, what is the purpose of going? If she wants you, she'll be kicking down your down to get you back. Yet, in her mind, she hasn't lost you.

Don't worry about canceling last minute being immature, it's about being attractive and strong which is what she wants. Read some of R2C's links on attraction.

Cancel on her last minute and go GAL and if you have nothing else to do you can rearrange your sock drawer!!! Hahaha

[Yail]

I dunno JB42 - the most recent posts I saw from you seemed to be from a pretty clear "no expectations" standpoint, which I was impressed with.

Cancelling at the last minute to anyone else in your life I would put into the category of "rude move". So the question from my perspective is this: Can you view W with the detachment and lack of expectations to the point where you can see her as "anyone else"? how strong is the pull she may or may not have over you? If you can honestly answer that question for yourself I think you can make your decision without fear.

I vote that if it seems like not a big deal to go to dinner and chat you do just that. You decide. If it gets uncomfortable or rude or in a place you don't want to be in you absolutely leave. And if she just needs to say her piece and have you listen and validate - does that actually hurt anyone?

That' last question I wrote was a real question to you. I think only you can answer it.

[Ready2Change]

Cancelling at the last minute to anyone else in your life I would put into the category of "rude move".

For everyone else in your life, Cancel the minute you find out you can't go. Give as much advance info as possible. Apologize. Suggest an alternate time.

Does this sound like good advise?



I give both pieces of advise from my understand of what is best in each circumstance.

As I was driving home, i was thinking: I don't want to read this post in the future:

OMG I wish I would have listened to the advise everyone gave me...last night bla bla bla

I have read those words here soo many times. You might be the rare exception.

[AnotherStander]

What is the purpose of cancelling last minute? That seems incredibly immature from my perspective - not trying to attack the idea, just wanting to understand the logic.

Additionally, it seems like a couple of you would not entertain listening to her at all - what is the reasoning behind that?

I was just joking about not going, what I said before was to go but don't do anything other than listen and validate. I do agree with the others that it's a waste of time because it is only a reflection of her feelings and thoughts at that one particular moment in time and her feelings are subject to change without warning. But it is good practice for listening and validating. You can show her you CARE about her feelings even if you don't AGREE with them.

[JB42]

R2C,

I appreciate you looking out. You're right. The only purpose to going is to listen to what she has to say, which I don't know what she hopes to communicate/gain. I have nothing to gain from this and I have nothing I need to communicate to her. The reason I'm going is two-fold; one, and this is just me being blatantly honest, I'm curious as to what she has to say; two, she sounded really messed up on the phone - not something I need for the person caring for my kids 50% of the time - hopefully this opportunity will let her bury whatever hatchet she needs to be better, but I'm actively not placing expectations on it. I hope that I am the exception on this forum and I feel confident that I won't need to post a regretful update. We'll see.

Ovr,

Those are some bold assumptions, some of which contradict what I've communicated on this forum. I appreciate your assertiveness, though I disagree with cancelling at this point - I don't think that is attractive or strong; besides, my sock drawer is on point lol.

Yail,

I appreciate the support. There are some good questions in there for reflection. As for that last question - We could both be hurt. I won't sugarcoat it, even though I feel detached, I'm sure she could find something to hurt me. Conversely, if she is expecting a particular reaction or response, she likely won't get it. If I've learned anything from all of this, having expectations can definitely hurt you.

[Ready2Change]

I've agreed to having a family dinner at her place later this week

What day?


There is a critical point that comes during the process. If this dinner is it, you need to understand EXACTLY how to respond to her.

Do you have your list of "Non-negotiables"?

[JB42]

AS,

I missed your post before I replied. I see where you're coming from; you and the others provide a good reminder to keep expectations out of the equation.

R2C,

I'm assuming that this list of non-negotiables and critical moment are referring to the possibility that she may want to reconcile. I haven't put much thought into such a list, certainly not in recent months. I don't want to cloud my judgement and ability to be present by thinking about it. If that topic comes up, I will tell her that I need time to think about it and make a decision. This is in-line with advice given here and has the added benefit of being true. In reality, I'm not sure if reconciliation is on the table from me, but like I said, I'm not going to think about it unless she puts it out there.

If the critical moment you're referring to is something else, I've clearly expressed my boundaries to her and what I am willing to fight for in the divorce agreement.

[SteveLW]

I have to say that agreeing to a family dinner seems like a bad idea to me. JB, take this with a grain of salt, I haven't followed your sitch closely because you were getting great advice from others, but getting to "play family" seems like cake eating to me. I would continue to politely decline. If and when she says why I would say something like "it just seems like it would be confusing to everyone involved, including the boys."

I firmly believe that if R is her ultimate goal, she will not allow you not agreeing to a "family dinner" prevent her from continuing to press for that.