Last attempt. OrangeK v.2

[OrangeK]

I honestly feel like detachment, for me, only truly occured in the last few months. Since Jan and the start of 2019.
I had told myself that achieved detachment so many times and had been deceiving myself. This past court date really illustrated this to me, as all previous court dates i was always consumed with thoughts of ex-wife as the court date approached and as I was actually in the courthouse. How would she look? Does this make her feel guilt? does she regret any of this? however this past court date was different. I was still nervous but I could definitely sense a very different feeling in the nerves, it was not deep in my gut like it has been when related to her, it was normal palms sweaty simple nervousness. once it was time to enter the courtroom mind Focus was entirely on the judge and her attorneys. She may as well have not been in the room. I can also say this is the first time that I have seen her in person since our separation that I did not have the thought of physical attraction on my mind. Honestly she really doesn't even look like the person that I used to know. She wasnt relevant. She wasnt looming in my mind.

In more important news, its almost hiking season and my D&D game is going amazingly.
S4 and I have a long list of spring fun to tackle.

[neffer]

Good for you man. Glad to see where you are standing. Use that boost of confidence to keep moving forward with your life. How´s S4 doing? How´s your R with Mary going?

My best wishes O!

[OrangeK]

R with Mary is kind of mutually dissolving. I dont think i was ready. I need to put 100 percent focus on S4 and myself.
S4 is mostly doing well. He had a very rough day at daycare on Tuesday.

[JujuB]

You are a real hero and protector of your son. I was getting teary eyed reading this. Awesome job!

My lawyers were 500 an hour and focused on creating original ways to bill me, instead of actually helping me. I was actually looking up laws and telling them how to work things in my best interest. They were a waste. Just because they have a law degree does not mean they are bright or there to help you. Especially the divorce lawyers who kind of reminded me of used car salesmen.

Any way. Great job! I would expect any decent family court judge is going to take what you are saying seriously. I hope you get full custody. She should be paying you child support. It really seems like it’s in your sons best interest.

Sorry you are going through this though.

[Maika]

Great update O! Best of luck to you and your son. You've weathered a hurricane that would've stripped most to the bare bones. You're still standing and strong. Keep fighting the good fight for your kid and the best is yet to come!

[OrangeK]

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Court is just a wretched experience. It feels like its designed to crush and intimidate the small guy, or at least thats how the lawyers had made it feel leading up to this court date.
Their physical presence was weak however, honestly i get the vibe that the COURT itself couldnt care much about the outcome and is going through the motions.
Im embarrassed to read my past postings.
Its astonishing to see how low you can be brought.
Sincere apologies to any i was cross with in past postings.
I had my head firmly lodged you know where.

2019 has been a boon to be sure. And now spring is in full effect. Life is good.
Budget is still tight as hell. Not sure how ill afford health ins. When it becomes available at my new job but that's fairly normal feeling problem lol.

Im off to do yardwork with s4 after a great breakfast!

Exselsior!

[IHCLACS]

Exselsior... Haha... Silver Lining Playbook. Great movie.

[OrangeK]

pretty dramatic low point today. the mutual dissolving of the relationship between Mary and I has degraded into scorned and getting ghosted. I feel like I'm cursed, like I'm broken and unlovable. I suppose that's what I get for jumping into things too early and falling for a girl 10 years younger than me. Additionally it really makes me wonder Why I am always so desperate to have someone in my life. every serious relationship I've ever been in, 4 that I can think of, have all ended in a similar fashion. This isn't going all the way back to high school for crying out loud. way back in 2010 when I dealt with my first really bad breakup, and then subsequently spent the next three years either dating around randomly or wallowing in self-pity for being alone. Then I met ex-wife. I had never fallen in love so fast or so hard, I now know that that was designed that way by her to cultivate an addiction to her and make me easier to manipulate. The fact of the matter is that I trusted and loved her so completely and immensely that when she finally showed her true colors and did to me what she's done to every guy she's ever been with, it literally almost killed me. Then I spent the last year-and-a-half digging myself out of the hole both emotionally and financially. When I finally met somebody that I felt compatible with, yet again everything felt amazing in the beginning and then here we are 8 months later and yet another woman has broken my heart and left me with more questions than closure. I'm seriously beginning to feel cursed or fundamentally flawed and unlovable. moreover I'm scared shittless then I'm going to literally spend the rest of my life overworked tired and alone. I've reached that age where most of my friends are busy with their own families. on the days I have S4 I feel exhausted and inadequate, on the days that I don't have him I am crippled by depression and loneliness. I think it speaks deafening volumes that anytime time throughout a given week, the only time I feel legitimately happy and content is when I'm at game night with my friends pretending to live in a different plane of existence. right now it's very much feels like life [censored] and then you die. all I wanted was to spend the rest of my life with my family and the woman I married. when in reality it feels like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone, tired frustrated, hated, and forgotten. sorry to get all Negative Nancy on you guys.

[Ginger1]

I can only answer briefly, but, you are 30 years old, give or take a year or two? So Mary is in her early 20’s? A woman in her early 20’s really doesn’t have all the R tools needed. A guy with a S4 and going through a divorce is something that a woman that young isn’t equipped to handle. You said she was inexperienced at relationship. So her first real R is a relationship she wasn’t equipped to handle as an adult. And that does not define how lovable or unlovable you are.

What would be important is to explore why you find no happiness in your life unless you are with someone else or in a pretend gaming land. I think the gaming is great as it is your hobby. Is there anything else that you take interest in? Why don’t you look for local groups that support single dads and find some friends there. There is a lot of value in life with your son and yourself and you should be enjoying it regardless of you have a partner or not. Start digging deep as to why you are so attracted to that immediate love connection. I mean, pretty much everyone we chose to date gives us that feeling initially. Then sh!t gets real. I think you might surrender yourself to that feeling a little too hard.

I spent many years without a partner raising a very young child. I got lonely at times. Then it became more often than not. But before that, I took some good years enjoying my life with my daughter, my friends, with my own hobbies. I wanted nothing to do with relationships.

Go find yourself. Because yourself is not in someone else

[Ginger1]

And I’m sorry she hurt you the way she did. You know her true colors now. Nevertheless it still hurts and it will get better