I think because it just feels like more of the same, TryHard.

Quite often when I turn to my H for support or comfort or parenting collaboration his response is to tell me why my problem or distress is of my own making and my own fault. It isn't like he's gloating - but I do think he finds meeting my emotional needs (or even the prospect of being asked to) terrifying and it is a technique he uses to push me away. I've been hurt over and over and over again by that and I don't want more of the same. I can control that by not asking him for any kind of emotional support, but I don't want a marriage like that. I am so weary of his blame and criticism and the way he can get really very nasty when challenged about it.

I've been working on being very helpful and supportive to him this past couple of weeks. He's doing shift work and I've cooked meals for him and frozen them in individual portions and baked snacks and given them all to him. He was happy enough to accept that. I was happy to give it. But when there's so little coming back it feels very much like I am feeding him cake - literally!

I want a relationship where I can turn to him and he will say some version of 'you're not on your own. We've got this. It's going to be okay,' rather than 'ah, here is why your problem is your own fault and I get to be angry with you for even wanting comfort!' and that isn't on offer from him. I'm not sure he's even capable of it, to be honest.

I think I am pretty well covered in that I know I've communicated what I need very clearly and in non-blaming language. I know I've also worked on taking care of my own emotional needs so the requests I make of him are really not that much at all. I admit there was bad timing at play in my last request - but I didn't get to opt out of Eldest screaming and throwing things all morning and that was bad timing for me too - him being emotionally unavailable feels like a luxury choice he is using to punish me. And I've lived with that for years and I will not tolerate it any longer.

So that's why I am done in. Exhausted and tired and disappointed and about ready to throw in the towel. He does pretty much no childcare right now, I carry us all financially, and he's not able to be pleasant when I am distressed after laying down the law with one of his children. I am left wondering what he's actually for and what he adds to my life.