Few days ago I came across my first Anti-MWD article. I wasn't sure how to process it. Read it and didn't agree with it. Made me think for a minute though that when I was reading DR and coming here, this new process was something I wanted to stick with and learn, still learning. Still working on.
The thing I took away from reading the article was that I wanted to have some grace and dignity when I look back at this whole experience. I'm sure there are other support groups out there that provide a different avenue for those looking to expose the WAS and emphasize the blaming. I guess what I find as inner strength the blogger didn't.
Been thinking about trying to keep it classy. Also still watching videos. More videos now on no contact or minimal contact with children involved. I have made some mistakes in this process but ones I've tried to learn from. Like the last convo with W. I didn't like how I was trying to say I was done. If there is a next time she brings up R talk, I'll be pleasant and listen. Say I'll need time to think about things and leave it at that. No blame. She alrdy knows. I don't want to be angry and latch onto anything and use it to let her have it.
I do want to be as attractive and confident as I can be around her at all times. This means even when she is temp checking me or testing me, I should know what to do. This is where that balance in emotion comes in. Need to quickly differentiate when she is being disrespectful and addressing that on the spot to letting her talk her mess and then validating and moving on. My life is moving on.
Yesterday when I got home, W asked me "So what do you want to do with the boys and their school?" We plan to keep them in the same school until the end of school year. Currently we live like 5 minutes away from their school. When we move to the next town over, there's going to be some traffic involved. Moving out April 18th so W was planning to drop them off every day and pick them up. I told her I would like for both of us to get settled first and then to start a routine as quickly as possible for them so they will start getting used to it. She said she agreed and would start dropping them off at school and picking them up every day and she already talked to her boss about leaving early to do that. I told her that was not what I meant. I was meaning once we are settled in, as in I get the kid's room ready soon with their beds, I'm going to drop them off and pick them up on my weeks and we alternate weeks. We'll wake up extra early so we have time for drop off and going in to work (we as in me and the boys waking up extra early). She said Oh and gave me a look. I told her for now let's just see about getting settled in, a lot is going to be in the air. Maybe she didn't think I was serious about the 50/50 starting this soon. We'll see what works for our boys if 1 week is too long without either parent. Maybe a day in the middle of the week for dinner with the other parent as suggested by R2C I believe.
I need to get the boys' room ready. I get the apartment on the 8th and we are leaving this house on the 18th so I have some room to buy new beds. BUT she is going on her vacation with her sisters the week before the 18th. I've probably said that several times now. I'll make it work. Then I have 3 Saturdays coming up I'm working overtime. The Saturday before the 18th my BIL offered to help watch them while I'm at work so that's helpful.
The shuffling will start soon. I plan to show nothing but good vibes. R2C if you read this I saw one of your posts about forgiveness. I read up on it the other night.
For the most part I am at peace. When I reflect back alot of it is focus on me and how I see myself. It's what I want to change in how I act or what I say and the things I do.
8 months will be coming up and it kinda feels like yesterday since BD.
As for how I feel about going forward. I'm taking it day by day. Not lonely anymore. Haven't felt that in a few months I think. Hard to remember a timeline. Haven't taken any notes while living with W.
My plan when we settle in on the 50/50 split is to keep it positive. Be upbeat in dealing with her. We keep it to the kids. I'll be nice, friendly. Not cold or mean. Definitely not pursuing. That has died a while back. I will keep my emotions in check. I think somewhere deep down I will always want some sort of truth and I know I will never get it. Apart from the kids, I think this is what I'll have to control my emotions on. Anyways, won't get hung up on it, but that's what will be in the back of my mind opposed to pining about us being together.
I haven't GAL lately. That will come in time. I imagine when I do as with dating, it will help with detachment more. For now though, I think I am okay. There is much to be done with the move and trying to provide some stability for the kids.
Just checking in to share a little. I'm reluctant to say I have detached to where I want to be. I notice when people say that, they usually aren't yet. Do we really know where we're at with our ever-changing feelings? It'll come in time. I saw Steve comment about this and compared it to the stock market, saying if we were trending up, its going in the right direction. I'll see. I am happy with some of the slight changes I've made in my behavior overall but too soon to tell.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
