I really don't think there's a problem in running to your husband when you need comfort, as long as you understand that's what you're asking for and he understands how to give it and how not to criticise or try to fix things in giving it. But right now getting comfort from our husbands is more difficult because of the lack of safety. Well, that's how I see it anyway. I think I never asked for comfort before and tended to run off to friends first because I thought he couldn't or wouldn't give it to me, it's taking time to work out how to ask for it and I often mess it up.
That sounds useful about eldest. I would just be careful about implied punishment because nobody responds well to it let alone teenagers. Maybe framing it as 'if I can't trust you to behave at home then I can't trust you to behave in an unusual environment like a residential, show me I can trust you' might work? I can't help that much I'm afraid, my older teen just went super quiet and shut us out at 14 (not sure he's ever really come back), my just 14 year old now has a tendency towards perfectionism and turning stuff inwards (I found evidence of potential self harm about 18 months ago, before this dh stuff ever happened) but both of them have always been pretty well behaved at home and at school. Ds2 has occasional temper tantrums and will occasionally need a lot of persuading to do stuff but is generally quite sweet for a teen. In fact his behaviour has probably been better since dh left, dh made for a lot of tension and slamming doors and everyone having to tiptoe about at home. Ds2 still says he's glad dh got his flat as he's managed to be nice to his family for once over winter...
