Yes, there's a difference between being open and vulnerable and being so brutally honest you hurt the other person. Judging that difference particularly when one or both of you are upset is tricky. I suppose it helps to know the other person's sore spots so you try to avoid them as much as possible. I'm not sure I did that on Monday, part of the reason I want to apologise.
I absolutely have a mixture of feelings: on the one hand I'm proud of his career success through hard work and determination, and I'm thankful he's provided well for his family. But that is so mixed up with me feeling like he's chosen his job over his family that I have a really hard time expressing appreciation because of that. Maybe I have to separate the two in my head more, the way he probably does. And it remains my one greatest resentment which I'm having trouble letting go of, partly because it's only got worse since he left! But I cannot change the past, I have to forgive him for his role in the past and see that I also contributed towards it to some extent. I also know that his job is not really in line with his values (he has said this last year when he was clearly struggling with it) but he's having difficulty letting go, of losing face, of not getting his ego fed, of what his future will look like without his current role. And me reminding him that he's not living up to his values is NOT helpful, he needs to sort this out by himself and I will listen if he needs me to, but he won't if he feels attacked. So far I've said 'you're a good man, I believe you will make good decisions' to many things he's talked about (including whether he wants to stay married or not). I will keep saying that or something along those lines, and hope that he lives up to the words.
Useful session with my IC, we talked a lot about how hard it is being vulnerable and doubly hard when the person has so much power to hurt you by leaving forever, but that you can't have intimacy without vulnerability. And how maybe I could ask dh for other ways to meet my needs (because saying I need a hug when he isn't there is not much use to him and probably makes him feel guilty and useless). I listened to a super helpful podcast (last one of Relationship Alive) where they discuss: saying how you feel, saying what you need, then explaining how it will help. I can do the first 2 but the 3rd seems useful in actually spelling it out for the other person instead of just being 'needy'. I am going to listen to this podcast a few times I think and maybe get the book, it had lots of 'complete the sentence' activities where you literally start the sentence with a script and then finish it off yourself, the rationale being that if you are triggered you won't remember anything complicated but you might remember a couple of words which propel you in the right direction. And we also talked about how maybe I could think about what the relationship needs instead of each of us as individuals (we have both complained about our own needs not being met for so long and neglected the Us in all this). And we talked a lot about acceptance and uncertainty, which every time I think I'm ok with I'm suddenly not again...I have a lot to think about as usual.
