An interesting mental shift over the past couple of days. It's subtle, but I've had a couple realizations.
Having my ring off has been difficult. It stabs a bit each time I notice, but I think keeping it off might ultimately help me in moving forward.
I realized so much of my resistence to "moving on" (whatever that means, TBH) is that I have this feeling that W might "turn around" or I'll somehow miss an opportunity for her wanting to R. I feel like if she sees me moving on she would miss an opportunity to speak up about her doubts. I think this is a common LBS narrative, and I only realized I was thinking it this week. Once I realized that's what I was hanging on to it became a bit clearer that I'm waiting for something that won't happen.
Keeping my ring on was a way for me to say to myself, "See? I NEVER gave up on us". But I do think there is a bit of delusion to this mentality. Maybe it's my pride that just wants to be right in the end - that I know we had a great R.
If W does turn around I'm not gone yet. I'm not seeking a R with someone else, I'm not dating, I'm not moving. I'm still open to the idea of R. But I think I'm starting to feel the "It's not that easy anymore" feeling come over me. That she will need to ACTUALLY WANT to R which means she will actually need to speak up. She can't just slip back into life with me without those very honest and authentic conversations happening.
I'm not putting up roadblocks. I'm not shutting her out. I'm just maybe not waiting for her either. At least I'm starting to feel that shift - I know I'm not fully there yet.
It's a painful process to let go.
"As anyone who has sat in Lotus for more than a few minutes knows - it's a h3(( of a lot easier to stay than to go" - A. Gibson
