Just journaling here because I know you all can relate to my predicament better than anyone else in my life.
W finally managed to build up enough credit to qualify for a mortgage and purchased a house. She and the kids are moving out of their rental in May. The house isn't far from their current place so there's no issue with longer distances. The neighborhood isn't the greatest, but there isn't much she can do about that without my income.
The kids are excited to move, partly because it's new and exciting, and partly because their current place kinda [censored]. I'm glad they're getting an upgrade.
But I fall short of saying "congratulations" to her when she tells me about the house. I smile and say things like, "that's great" or "cool". But what I really want to say is, "You have a perfectly good house right here. What the eff is wrong with you."
I still haven't had a face to face with OM and I'm in no hurry to do so. I think my W avoids inviting him to events that she knows I'll be attending to spare my feelings. I suppose it's a bit patronizing, but at the same time I appreciate the effort. Or maybe its just because she knows how awkward it would be for all of us. I don't know. I'm really just mind reading anyway, and that never helps.
My greatest fear is that OM will move in after she buys the house. This has never come up in our discussions about her move, but I haven't directly asked her. We have a session with the therapist this week and I'm intending to bring it up.
No further discussion about finalizing the divorce either. I struggle with the idea of moving it along because I really don't want it and I don't want any of the credit for making it happen. At the same time it feels really fake to still have that legal contract between us and nothing else.
My daughter regularly asks me why we "can't go back to being married again." I never know how to answer this. Most of the time I use my W's bullsh1t excuse of "we're better off as friends." I'd really love to tell her that her mother doesn't want to be married to me anymore, but I'm trying to be a good parent. She's only 7 and picking sides won't do her any good. I'm sure both my kids will figure it out eventually.
My GAL activities have slowed as of late, but it's partly due to the weather. Now that spring is here I'm back to my normal running routine. But I don't really socialize much. I exhibit some symptoms of depression but it comes and goes. The beginning of the week is usually hardest for me. Sometimes the daily grind seems pointless but my kids keep me going.
The one thing I just don't understand is how people can jump into a new relationship within a year after a long term marriage ends. I'm casually dating a woman with a good job and kids the same age as mine. From a practical standpoint teaming up with her is a no brainer. But it doesn't feel genuine. And this leads me to wonder if it will ever feel genuine while I'm still attached to the memory of my marriage. Maybe forcing myself into a new relationship is what kick-starts the process of finally detaching. Doesn't seem right though.
Hard to believe it will be 3 years since BD in May...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
