Just an update. I am continuing my scarcity around her. I know she mentioned being more communicative to her but I am wanting to continue the detaching and not communicating with her unless it is about the children. I am not her gay friend that will just talk to her about anything and everything (emotional). The emotional attachment would be reserved for when we were working on the MR but that can't happen until my conditions are met (1) no more OM, (2) no more BFF, etc.
So she may eventually want to have another "talk" with me and I will just reiterate those points that I understand she wants open communications but for now, our relationship is only co-parenting. Any other relationship does not exist.
I am continuing working out and GAL. Up and downs every once in a while but the workouts assist me in focusing on me and the children. I understand this is a marathon and takes time. However, I am conflicted right now. Part of me just wants to end the marriage since I feel my self worth is worth more than what she has put me through. I also cannot imagine forgiving her for leaving me in a middle of a date with the OM back in mid February. My worth is too much to deal with this and I am adjusting nicely into this new environment with the limited set back.
Since i have an IC appointment today, I will be talking to them about this and knowing when I am done. I know it may be too early but I have had this feeling for a couple weeks with very little conflicting feelings. I love(d) her but it gets to a point where I am better off moving on. Not sure how others go years into this. I am not willing to do this for years. Hell, I am not willing to do this for many more months. I was in love with this woman and she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I do not know how people are willing or able to go back to that person after all the hateful, hurtful and sickening things they put the other person through. I acknowledge my shortcomings in the marriage. I have done 180s to fix those. However, I don't feel she will change. If that is the case, I am just holding onto the marriage based on old feelings that may never transpire again. So I guess what I am saying is, I don't know if I want to continue being with this woman who was in my life for 17 years. I am giving it some time to decide but that is the feeling i have had for a few weeks.
