Yeah, I think you're right. I did start off by asking him if now was a bad time, and I also said, 'I'm just having a horrific morning and I need a pep talk,' but he was totally exhausted (he was coming off a twelve hour night shift and it was the first one this week so he won't have slept much the day before to prepare for it) and I know he felt me saying something along the lines of 'I am exhausted having to lay down these consequences and take the brunt of his anger on my own' to be an implicit criticism of him not being here - and he still feels like he was kicked out rather than he left, so it's all very tangled.
I did manage to stand up for myself a bit though. He went on a tiny rant about how Eldest seems to think he has an anger management problem that that means he never took his attempts to discipline him seriously, and that I should have backed him up there. And I said he had a point, there were many many occasions where I should have backed him up and I didn't, and that's part of the reason we are were we are today. But that his anger was a problem in his relationship with me and with Eldest and I couldn't take responsibility for fixing that. He didn't challenge me there or disagree with me, and I didn't feel afraid of saying it, so that feels like progress.
I guess we're both just super reactive around the idea of the other finding fault with them. There was no shouting or sarcasm or name-calling though. He wasn't remotely verbally abusive, not even sarcastic - he was just exasperated and less warm than I'd have preferred. It was a hard conversation but I hope it hasn't set things back.
I guess the 180 I need to make here is to perhaps not expect much in the way of emotional support at the moment. The right thing to do with Eldest is the right thing, no matter how Eldest responds or how H is able to back me up or not. I need to do it because it's the right thing, and not to get H's approval or affirmation. I need to check in with him as a parent but be mindful of timing. I also need to continue to refuse to accept blame and point scoring and criticism, which means asking clearly for the positive thing that I want.
And I think I do need some more emotional support with this, so I am going to see if I can see my friend this afternoon.
