- Met the woman who I made out with at another social event. I exchanged brief pleasantries before I left the event. She invited me out to dinner at a very fancy (expensive) restaurant. As the evening progressed, I came to realized that she was a gold digger. I am not proud for the way I handled the money part at the end of the meal. I could not pay at that time, but since I assumed that we'll see each other again as friends, I can get the next round. She did not like that at all. She sent me an anger text and told me that we're not friends. I tried to clarify my position but her mind was already made up and told me not to text her again. I paid for my part of it and that was the end of that.
- I went to a speed dating event again where I thought I matched with someone who I clicked with really well. I get an email from later telling me that she felt a friendly vibe with me and would like to hang out as friends in the future. I told her that while I appreciated her offer for friendship, I will have to decline her offer because I was looking for something more substantial, hence the reason I went to the speed dating event.
-WW got a new job in the city and she starts this week. As a result, she is moving out sooner than usual. She has a temporary place to stay (OM2) while she "finds another place and couch surfs". I can tell she was emotionally exhausted. She went to a wine-tasting vacation last weekend and she informed me that the choice to accept the job was on her mind all weekend and could not sleep well at all, much less enjoy her time there. Seeing that as another opportunity for validation, I told her that I can see how such a heavy choice as leaving her old jobs and going into a new one would be very stressful and sad. I offered no advice, and no reassurances. Hell, during one of our chats, I opened up the Validation sticky and referenced that while I talked to her. She nearly broke down again this morning while talking about coordinating parenting efforts and she told me that this while thing is really hard. I told her that I know and I can tell it has been a very hard couple of weeks for her. The temptation to reassure her was there, but I did not. I just listened.
I see her for the first time tonight in nearly two weeks and I have no idea what I am going to say or do if we talk.
I have expressed here before that I am done with her and I am moving on. Now, here I am making small friendly talk, validating, and listening to her. I have not once offered any of my services nor will I plan to. If she asks, I am going to politely decline.
I am also hesitant to say this, but I need to say it:
I still have feelings for her. I still love her. And as much as I say that I don't want her back...my mind and heart are not completely closed towards reconciliation. I think I still want her back. I don't know why I do or why I am thinking these crazy thoughts, but I do hope that people see some things from my point of view.
But I also know that I am not ready to take that step. I am not ready for any relationship, whether it's with her or someone else. I don't plan on pursuing anything serious until I am 40. I am 38 now. I am still learning about attraction, validation, flirtation, and socializing. To go back to her would likely mean that I stop my growth in those areas. I don't want to stop the growth. I don't want to stop the progress. I want to continue to address my NGS issues, my anger issues, and my issues with my insecurities, only because I do not want to go back to the way I was. I never want to be that person again.
