Having a rough day - I miss parts of my old life; today it's the comfort and contentment of knowing the family would be together at home at the end of the day. I especially miss the boys as they're with the W all week. It's hard to concentrate at work today, it's weighing heavy on me. Trying to focus on the positive, be grateful for what I have, and not dwelling on the negative.
Thought I'd hop back on here and give a quick(ish) update and ask for some guidance on something that came up. I'm doing great! I've completely disengaged from personal conversations with the STBXW (what a hurdle). I'm getting my life together - making and achieving goals, getting out of the house with friends and/or my kids, going and making new friends, and pursuing my best life. I can honestly say I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I attribute this to not letting myself be complacent in how I show up in the world like I was in the M.
The issue that came up is that when I have been talking to my WW about kids or finances (I try and limit even those interactions by not leaving anything to question, but they still have to happen on occasion), she has been trying to extend the conversation, which I promptly end. I don't think that it's really temp checking, but maybe it is? That in itself is not the issue, the issue is that she called the other day to talk to S3 (she's on vacation and I agreed to let her have nightly convo's with S3); she was crying when I answered and I asked her if she's okay to talk to S3. That's when she started telling me that she feels extremely guilty (she did not specify about what and I did not ask) and that she's sorry that she never agreed with me when I said we needed to do things as a couple. It was a blind-side to me (even though I left that door open by asking if she was okay) and I didn't know what to say so I validated her feelings and told her to focus on things to be grateful about. She said she wants to talk when she gets back. I ended the conversation there and let her talk to S3 after she gathered herself.
I haven't told anyone about this conversation. She said she wants to have dinner together with the boys (not the first time she's offered, I've declined every time as I'm not interested and I think it would confuse S3) when she gets back and asked me what I wanted as a souvenir from her trip. I politely declined the souvenir, though she stated that she is getting me something, even though I declined. I haven't answered her yet about the dinner.
Should I have this nebulous "talk" with her? In all of our recent conversations, I've had a clear agenda for where I want it to go (pass the phone to S3, get X finance taken care of, hash out childcare for whatever date, etc.) so I'm not sure where I stand on it. I doubt she wants to reconcile, but she wants something. Any advice, 2x4's, etc. are welcome.
Hi JB. Sounds like you are doing really well!!! Great, isn't it...when you feel back in control of yourself and your life? Re: a meeting with your W. If she wants to talk and you are still interested in what she has to say, I would go ahead and have a conversation. However, I would do so only if you feel you can go into it with zero expectations and manage your own feelings. Have a few answers prepared ahead of time... the standard "I'll have to think about that." seems to be one that is recommended on here quite a bit. From what you wrote, it sounds as if you W is starting to figure out that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Also: re: dinner with the boys. I wouldn't worry about confusing S3. He is at an age where he is just living in the moment and probably not even thinking about the meaning behind mom's presence or absence. Generally three year-olds just accept whatever is in front of them. If you don't think you can have the dinner without tension or sadness though, I would decline. Anyway... all sounds positive, TBH. As long as you keep your expectations to a minimum, you should be fine. (((HUGS)))
Hi JB. To build on what DV said (great advice, IMO) I'd suggest you give thought as to where/how any potential conversation might take place.
I'd tend to think a neutral location (neither of your homes) might be good, and not something you're "stuck" in for a long time such as a meal. If you think a public location is okay then perhaps a coffee. If you feel privacy might be best to avoid a potential scene maybe you can take a walk around a neighborhood?
I think it was very smart of you to not tell anyone else about a potential conversation. No need to complicate things with anyone else's opinions or guidance.
I don't see any 2x4s coming your way since you seem to be approaching this with a strong mental attitude and a calm demeanor.
Hey JB. Just keep moving forward. You did a good job validating her feelings. Of course you can have the talk, it“s up to you. But first figure out what you want. No expectatios there. Just wait and see. There“s no rush to have the meeting. No bait to bite JB. We the WWs are skillful fishers...
You have stated you are doing good with your life...keep the good things coming, keep GAL.
No expectations. No anxiety. YOU are doing great. Keep that.
she has been trying to extend the conversation, which I promptly end. I don't think that it's really temp checking, but maybe it is?
More than likely that's exactly what it is.
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That's when she started telling me that she feels extremely guilty (she did not specify about what and I did not ask) and that she's sorry that she never agreed with me when I said we needed to do things as a couple. It was a blind-side to me (even though I left that door open by asking if she was okay) and I didn't know what to say so I validated her feelings and told her to focus on things to be grateful about. She said she wants to talk when she gets back.
OK, so believe it or not this happens a lot. It doesn't mean she's had a change of heart, it's possible but it's still a little too soon for that. Don't confuse "guilty" feelings with remorse. When a WAS feels guilty it's because they know they are hurting people, but they still feel JUSTIFIED in their actions. When they cease to feel justified and start feeling true remorse for what they've done and realized the mistake they've made, THEN recon might be on the table.
Also, do not be surprised if she never mentions "the talk" again. A lot of LBS's get excited when they hear this and prepare what they are going to say and how they are going to respond, and then they wait and wait and wait and the WAS never brings it up again. Just put it out of your mind.
But if it does happen then do exactly as DV said, tell her you appreciate her sharing (no matter what it is) and it's something you need to think about. Do not give her any answers to questions she may have. Do not commit if she asks you do do family stuff with her or asks you about recon or anything. Be 100% non-committal, because even if she does want to recon she needs to know she doesn't just snap her fingers and you come running. You need time to think, and she needs time to worry that you're not instantly available. Then come back here for advice.
W:"H bla bla lets meet to talk bla bla" H:"I have a lot going on this week. If it is urgent, send me an email and I will read it when I get a chance" W:"Bla bla bla better in person bla bla bla" H:"I will have to check my schedule but I think I may have some time free next Tuesday"
Then get the meeting to a neutral public place. Give her 15-20 minutes. You have something important to do afterwards. End the meeting first.
This will all be about listening. Some of your responses:
"I am not sure how I feel about that" "I will have to think about that" "I am afraid it is not that easy anymore"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the input. I'm not 100% if I'm interested in what she has to say, which also means I'm not 100% against hearing it either... I'll play it by ear and see if she even brings it up again. "I'll have to think about it" has been my go-to and it's been very effective in giving me time to formulate a response vs a reaction (although I can see and hear that it annoys her, she's not used to me not providing an immediate reaction). My concern with dinner is about feelings. I think I can manage myself well enough, but I can only control myself and she has shown to be turbulent in her emotions.
Yail,
I agree on the neutral location and especially not being "stuck". My initial thought was at/around her place during a dropoff (have S15 watch S3 while we talk) so I can disengage if needed. I'm flushing out ideas on what she might want to talk about and how I would respond. My gut feeling is it has nothing to do with reconciling, but wanting to spend more time with the boys, especially S3. If that's the case, it presents an issue in that, 1. I don't want to give up time with the boys and/or spend time with her in that dynamic; and 2. Saying that could create the perception that I am an a-hole, which is drama I don't want or need. The other possibilities seem easier to handle.
Neffer,
Thanks for the encouragement!
AS,
I was thinking along the same lines - that she likely won't bring it up again. Appreciate the practical advice, especially about not being immediately available.
R2C,
Are you reading/listening to our conversations? I always press for email, or at the least, text and that is always her response. I do it so I can have time to process and as a CYA tool.
R2C,Are you reading/listening to our conversations?
I am... I wrote this app called "Marriage Busting" You wife (and all the other wayward spouses here) downloaded it and now I get to see everything she does on her phone...LOL
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I always press for email, or at the least, text and that is always her response. I do it so I can have time to process and as a CYA tool.
Smart man. That was one of my boundaries written into the divorce decree. Primary parenting conversations by Email.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Well, it seems like she really wants to talk - she asked me again last night and this morning. I've agreed to having a family dinner at her place later this week with the intent that we talk privately afterwords. She wanted to do it at my place, but I moved it to hers. I'd rather have the option to eject myself from the situation if necessary.
Checklist of things to do: Have no expectations Listen Validate if necessary Do not react/be impulsive Give myself time to formulate a response Have an escape plan
I'm not going to lie, there is a level of anxiety/nervousness present, mostly because I don't know what she is going to say - I really hate being ambushed like this. I'll deal with the nervousness before I go, but am I missing anything?
