Yesterday I was angry again driving home about all of the lifestyle changes I am going to have to endure.
Reflecting now on when I went to bed last night. Was playing sleeping meditation music. Relaxing, slightly melancholic. Had a dream about a half hour in. I found W on couch with lights out. ( Lights are always out when I'm lucid dreaming.) We were distant from each other as present circumstance. I could still hear the music from my meditation which influenced my dream. I asked her if she was ok in the dream. She got up, started crying, hugged me, and kissed me. Then I started searching through the house to protect her and my son as if there were a intruder in it I could not see. (This is also a common theme in most of my dreams for past several years.) I woke up starting to sob for a tiny second then I stopped and came to reality which I knew I was fine. I then looked up "letting go of ex/relationship meditation" on you tube and went back to sleep. My W has stated numerous times of incompatibility issue in prior talks. Today I reflected on all of our incompatibility issue that have grown us apart over the last few years. Then a different feeling hit me just now. I actually feel like I just want to be her friend. To lean into the whole experience, but still CMOA as far as legal, and financial. I'm not fully detached. But a question hit my mind today. Why am I wasting all my energy for the last 6 months trying to figure all this stuff out, as I I could manipulate her or the situation? Even learning DB is from a LBS perspective. Now I understand what she felt, when things went platonic, and the love went away. I guess it just took me 6 months to stop cycling and resisting the acceptance of it from how I remembered her before BD. Is this what "dropping the rope" feels like? Acceptance? Just starting to have a realization of how women, especially WAW'S live in the present, and how much some men LBS can be stuck in the past with feelings of history of who they thought they knew. Takes em a while to catch up.
