Ugh, I have had a horrible couple of sleepless nights and yesterday with stomach pains, just getting slowly better now. It makes me feel weak and needy and like I need someone to come and take care of me. I'm not quite sure why I feel like dh should do this, because he never has. Once when the kids were tiny and I was throwing up the whole day and struggling to care for them I begged him to come home early and he came home at 5.30pm...And then I remember that, and then I remember all the times he hasn't been there for me when I needed him and it's pretty unbearable. So I simultaneously want him to care for me and then reject him if he tries to ring and be nice to me, and I go into full on self pity nobody-loves me-mode. I said a few not very nice things to him yesterday, we kind of made up later on but I just texted and apologised for it this morning.
You're right, I was defending my friends, even though I've been trying hard to be assertive not defensive. It was pretty overwhelming for him, I can see that. He did ask about a few of the individual friends I talk about quite a bit, I just think in person it was too much to have so many people about (I would have found that too if it had been his friends I was just meeting, but there's usually alcohol involved with his friends lol). I could have handled it a lot better, I think I felt like he was shutting me out again so I was shutting him out and we were both reverting to bad habits. Something to think about for new improved me to do better in future. I really want to tell him about my dream but I have to feel comfortable enough to do it because every time I tell someone about it I cry.
We've had a few nice texts today, dh is exhausted still after working at the weekend and having work social events last night and tonight, he said he'd try to catch up on sleep tomorrow afternoon and we're meeting on Thursday night. So I hope that will go well.
