13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Wanted1]

Journaling:

So I am finding myself spending less time on here than I used to, and I guess life is just happening, so I take that as a good sign.

Whats new for me: House is being relisted with new pictures and a new strategy later this month. My kids are reacting to the circumstances right now, and they seem very upset and fragile. I wrote to my ex, and told her that I noticed this behavior, and that I was going to give d5 some slack, and pay extra attention to her emotional needs, and that she definitely was more clingy than ever. My ex was glad I did, and promised to do the same, and ended the text by saying sorry. I guess she ment that the kids being this way was because of the situation she had caused, and most likely wanted me to tell her, that it wasn't her fault. I didn't reply to that whatsoever.

So other than that, my life is good. I won't lie, my ex still has more space in my mind than I want her to have, however thats not something I control. I do control however what I do, when these thoughts come, and I am honestly not letting them control myself and my life anymore, which is great. I am spending a lot of time GAL, golfing with friends, going out to eat, gym, concerts and I am happy.

I do however struggle with some genuine hatred for my ex in one situation. I can talk to my d5, and explain to her, that daddy is leaving now, and will be back soon. She understands. My little man, thats another story. He gets so upset when me or his mother leaves, and cries uncontrollably. Its so sad - last switching day, he ran after me with his arms out, and screamed "dadaaa". My heart just ripped from my chest. We have tried diverting his attention, but he is so very attentive to where we are at the moment, so its impossible. I can honestly say here, because I won't tell her ever - but I HATE her for doing this to my children. I really do. There it is, I needed to get that out.

/h

Hurt, I'm with you on the animosity you feel toward your ExW for what she has done to your family. I feel the exact same way at times. I try my hardest to force those thoughts and feelings out whenever they rise to the surface, which is every now and then. I truly feel so much pain and sorrow for my kids that they have to endure the life of having 2 households and divorced parents. The thought of it is sickening. It would be so much easier to manage and deal with without having kids involved. But, I try to love them as much as possible in my time with them. That's all I can do. Surprisingly, they are handling it all incredibly well. It's almost scary oh well they are thus far. On the flip side, that's so much better than the alternative. Hang in there!