Not Sure Where This Is Going

[Niall11]

Niall,

Time is always a problem for LBSs. Your sitch has been going on since Sept. To you that feels like decades. In reality, 7 months is a drop in the bucket for most sitches. Why is time such an issue for LBSs? Because as a general rule our society has given up on the virtue that is patience. No one has it anymore. Spend 5 minutes driving on the road and you'll see the severe lack of patience in our society today.

You're right that it does feel like decades. I probably am not the most patient person but the constant feeling of rejection and disrespect is hard to bear. No previous relationship would have gotten to this point. I would have walked a long time ago. I take the vows seriously, thought we had a good thing, and of course we share a daughter.

Regardless, your W rewrote history to try to get you to back off. She wants to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. I don't think she is purposely taking advantage of you...she simply doesn't care. Rather than think about it in terms of whether or not she takes advantage of you or not, look at it in terms of what is best for D2.

I think you are doing this, but keep D2 at the forefront of everything you do and everything you decide.

I am doing my best to put D2 first. She doesn't deserve any of this. I don't know how much more I can back off without just letting W do whatever she wants or walking out the door.

Also look up mtb's threads. I will look to see if I can find them. He had a particularly WW and he dealt with it pretty well. I think at some point, if this isn't working for you, then you will need to ask your W to leave. And when she does, make sure you change the locks. WWs that are especially wayward will forsake everything, including their kids.

Thanks for the tip about mtb. I will read.

I think I'd love it if she left. The best week I've had in months was when she was away. Right now I don't think it's an option because neither one of us, but particularly me at the moment, could afford to maintain our current place without the other's financial contribution. Having additional housing costs would bury us because D2 will be starting preschool in August. Very expensive but actually the most affordable one around here. I really need a better and more regular income.

A few months ago W said that, if she wanted to leave, she'd leave. She'd go stay with her parents. They used to live 2,000 miles away but now live about 2 miles away. I don't entirely buy it because she's gone out of her way to keep them from knowing anything about our sitch. Very recently the parents downsized to a very small 1-BR place because W's sister moved out. That was her chance to go stay with them and she passed it up. I think her plan, as much as she has one, is to stay here, do whatever she wants, and count on me to pick up the slack. At a minimum a schedule is needed.

First thing I would do if I were you is contact a lawyer. I think he would start having you document everything. Document when she leaves, when she comes home. How much time she is spending with D2. How much time she is spending away. The goal here is for you to get full custody if your W continues down this path.

I have started documenting (5 of last 9 nights). It's not just going out at night. It's also leaving for work a bit earlier than before and coming home later. OW2 works at same place. When she started this job she was thrilled to be able to get home as early as 3 and, for months, came home immediately after the school day ended. Now she gets home at 5 and half the time heads back out at 7 or 8.