Things seem very positive. The conversation yesterday about boundaries and house rules went well. He said to start with he felt nervous it was just going to turn into an argument, and I said I wanted to compromise with him and hear what changes he wanted to make, and we were able to come to an agreement pretty easily. We presented it to the kids together, and that worked well too. I had a nice afternoon with family.
In the evening, Eldest really really began pushing the boundaries - he was as challenging as I've ever seen him be. It was very difficult. Family therapist warned me that might happen. I do find it really really hard to deal with his anger. I gave the consequences that we had agreed, and that seemed to escalate the temper further. In the end I was so stressed and upset I rang H who came around to get Youngest bathed and in bed while I dealt with Eldest. I could see he was nervous to be there when I was upset and Eldest was being awful - it's such a difficult time and in the past had triggered some of our worst arguments - but I did stick to what we'd agreed would happen and he was glad about that, and I was glad about it too - and wasn't doing it only to please him but because I think firm boundaries and a united front from both parents is what Eldest needs. i think it was important for me to deal with Eldest too - and I felt H was supporting me in doing that. I can see I've been so conflict-avoidant I've let Eldest get away with a lot of disrespectful behaviour towards myself and H and it has made H feel terrible, so this felt like a good change.
Eldest came and apologised after a couple of hours. I asked him to apologise to H too, which he did, in the end, though the consequences are still going to stand as per our agreement. Eldest went to bed and H and I talked for a while about this - about what a difference it was, and about how he found it scary to be around me when Eldest was upset, and I found conflict terrifying. It was a good, non-blaming conversation. H said we'd been stuck in a pattern - he felt like how he felt and what he wanted didn't matter so long as everything was quiet, and I felt like no matter what I did it was never good enough. I validated him and he validated me, which was good too.
We're going out together as a family tonight for a school event. I don't know what all this means for our R but I am so glad and relieved to be getting on to the same page re parenting because so much of our conflict was about that. No matter what happens, that makes my life a bit better and, more importantly, I think is good for both kids.
