Persistent Endurance (Part 2)

[SteveLW]

curtis, sorry man. I know this is all rough. Hang in there.

I can't remember, did you talk to a lawyer yet? I always advise LBSs to at least have a consult with a lawyer as early as possible. I think sometimes that can help snap the WAS to reality. Most WAS, and certainly WSs, feel that their S and D can just be done smoothly and without roadblocks. They have this kind of glamorized view of S and D. I think you are seeing that in your WAW's behavior related to the kids. It is all rainbows and unicorns and they can just change things on a whim.

My WW had this crazy idea that we could spend $200 and file online and bam, we'd be divorced, with all custody of our daughter settled. I immediately told her I was skeptical of that plan, and that I could see that if we didn't have kids. In my snooping that followed I saw she had done searches on steps for divorce in our state, and it was a 11 step process when kids were involved depending on how mediation went, with multiple court dates for judgments on our "agreements". Etc.

I then told her that her plan that I would keep the house, D and I would live there, with my W floating in and out with her own apartment, and playing "house" when it suited her, wasn't going to work for me. (It was clear to me she wanted to be free to date and sleep with whomever she wanted, but still have a family to "come home" to. I said I would be selling the house, splitting the equity (after paying off debt (we don't have much, but car loans etc)) and then I would be moving in with a friend of mine. We'd have joint custody, and depending on the job she landed, I'd be paying child support. All of that started to pop her "unicorns and rainbows" delusion, and hit her in the guilt department. When she protested I flat-out told her "It is no fair for you to think you could get a fresh start, but not expect the same for me."

All of that went a long way towards breaking her delusion related to how simple all of this was going to be. How non-disruptive it would be for everyone, and that the path to her new life was greased and an easy ride.

But the last thing that burst her bubble was the fact that I consulted a lawyer. I still remember the morning I told her that. She looked like she had been slapped. Please take my sitch with a huge grain of salt because its turnaround was so atypically quick, but I really that that last piece (talking to a lawyer) was the catalyst. Along with my 180s, GAL, and detachment, she started to come back to the marriage. The fact that I was taking a lead on the D made it too real for her. My W was at the point where the idea of the single life was appealing, but she was trying to get there as problem-free as possible. She wanted a magic-wand to wave to put her in the perfect position with all of the gnarly, thorny parts smoothed over. When the reality that it was going to be hard, bloody, with multiple court visits, and now "he has a lawyer!!", all hit her, it started to wake her up.

Wow, that got wordy. The short version is that if you had consulted an attorney, when she talked about a lawyer if you could have said "I already spoke to a lawyer and highly advise you to do so too. Not because I am going to get my "claws out and drop legal documents on you", but because we have to make sure everything is done appropriately, legally and so that the court dates, which will be necessary, go as smoothly as possible. Maybe this apparent "unicorns and rainbows" view of S and D that she has would start to be replaced by the reality of what the process really entails.