Dawn - I really wish I had more pride when dealing with my ex at BD. He was distancing for a while, and I was chasing and appeasing him and not complaining about disprespectful things like coming home at 2am or disappearing to help with son when I had kidney stones. I was following all these relationship books that were not geared for people in my situation. He had twisted things around though, so I thought that my needs in a marriage were too much and unfair. He was gaslighting. And I love hearing stories about how things aren’t quite the paradise our exes thought they would have.
Marika - thanks for posting. I think for me, I used the dating apps and dating as a form of ego gratification and as a way to prove myself as not being this abusive, difficult person to be married to. Problem was, I didn’t communicate and argue. I just accepted too much.
I think my issue is that I am really acceptable to gaslighting. I remember a year into our relationship with ex husband, I was upset that he wasn’t making much time for me. He broke up with me cause he said I was being too controlling. I was questioning why when we barely saw each other he wasn’t making more time. He broke up and I was in tears begging him to give me another chance (we were in our early 20s.) A recent therapist pointed out to me that I had communicated my needs to him and he handled it by breaking things off. I felt like I was the one that was wrong. I felt like I should not have needs in a relationship. It makes me easily manipulated and complacent and I became the perfect companion for a secret addict that needed to disappear and hide stuff. Cause I believed that I should have no needs. Then when I became pregnant and had our son, I had very appropriate needs again (help and someone that could partner and be responsible) and that’s what ex could not handle.
(Reviewing this makes me disagree even more with that Stanley video on YouTube. You shouldn’t just accept someone when they tell you that you aren’t worth compromising for. That you should not have needs and if you do they will break things off. . )
Also you are on point with the rest of your advice as well. I don’t want my ex back. He is beyond selfish and only looks good on paper. He is a liar in a really deceptive slow boil sort of way though. I know my current state is a matter of perspective. Sometimes I find it hard to change perspectives when I get caught up in that “ woe is my life”state of mind but it’s something I have been working on.
KML - thanks again. The last guy definitely was not a match for me. I was trying so hard to change my perspective - focus on good things about myself and my son because of everything I said above - and there he was - criticizing me for it! I should have ended things earlier. And will hopefully do so in the future. I am not doubting my decision only wishing I did it much much earlier.
I wasn’t like you and Andrew though. I didn’t have a good marriage I was satisfied in. I think I knew things didn’t make sense. I just didn’t have the vocabulary to recognize a lot of crazy behaviors. And I didn’t have the power or the thought even that I should and could leave.... You know how children act out when something is seriously wrong in their family - cause they don’t really have the ability to know what’s wrong as they haven’t seen enough or experienced enough yet had the bad luck to be born into a bad family? The difference between me and a child is that I have the ability walk away from a guy. I just never saw that.
