A follow-up, now that my emotions have stabilized.
W said she was sorry we got to this place of proceeding with D. To her it is inevitable, there is no way around it. She sees no possible way forward with us together.
OK. I can see that from her perspective. I'll file that away into information I learned.
From what I gather in some things she said, she sees us wanting different things in life. I know from past conversations that she wants a career that consumes her and she is needed in. I also respect and see her point in this. I watched her struggle for 2+ years in jobs that didn't speak to her. But what she doesn't know is that I want that too - and her job and moving was clashing against my building my own career at my current place of employment. I had just gotten out of some poor jobs and finally had one I could grow in. I felt like she was asking me to put my life on hold JUST at the moment I was getting my footing, and that her job was more important.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I was angry and jealous and put-out. I wanted my own career to be center stage for once.
I know now that's not what she was saying. She needed a career - was desperate for it. It feeds her. We both felt unheard by the other person.
So perhaps us wanting "different things" is more that we each wanted the same thing for ourselves - but they were in different places.
Maybe.
*******
So W said she could "sense I was moving on" over the past few months. I now wonder what she meant by that. I have given her no indication that I am moving on or stuck. Why does she say that? Because I stopped fighting for us? I stopped R talks?
****** Last night in an effort to prepare for today I took my wedding ring off. I did it right before bed to lessen the sting. I didn't want W to see that I was still wearing it.
This has me crumbling to pieces. I want to put it back on. But I don't know if I can handle taking it off again. I'm sobbing as I write this. Part of me knows I need to move on, but part of me is solidly standing tall saying in my heart, "I am married to this woman". I'm so torn. I don't know what to do.
