The conversation W and I were supposed to have last weekend took place just now. She came to the house for about 30 minutes. Very even keeled conversation about D and selling the house. For the most part.
And then a statement from her that turned me on my head. That she didn't want this D either, but she got the sense from me that I was "moving on" over the past few months.
Record stop.
Wait, what? You got the sense I'm moving on after you asked for a D? Yes. Of course. So I told her point blank, "I'm moving on because I have to. I have no choice. When someone asks you for a divorce you don't fight it. But I still had and still have fight in me (for this R), but I have to respect you asked for a D".
I was on the verge of anger, and she backed off right away, "Yes. You're right. I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't have said that".
I wish I added, "When your wife tells you she doesn't love you anymore, how long am I supposed to fight and plead?". I didn't say it, but I wish I got it off my chest.
She feels we just want different things out of life. There wasn't a point for me to disagree with this statement, though I strongly disagree with this statement. I think we want some different things out of life possibly. I just don't know that for sure.
I went in to the conversation not wanting to have a R conversation, but now I just have so many things I want to say to her about what went down between us the past year.
Earlier in our conversation she asked me how we should proceed with D. I told her she'd need to file since I didn't want it. I think that surprised her.
Our conversation re-cap was how we were moving forward with selling the house and she'd proceed with D.
She left and my first instinct was to send her an email about how frustrated I was. I didn't. That she might be right we want different things, but how could I POSSIBLY know that for sure when she cut me out emotionally starting last spring. We didn't talk about these very important things. We both sealed up our emotions. I take a lot of the responsibility for not being able to talk things through but a great deal of it lies with her as well.
So she's moving forward with the D. It's strange - I feel a pang of hope and I'm trying to squash it. After this conversation where we talked above definitely divorcing, I feel like a tiny door was opened with us both admitting we didn't want it. That we need to hash-out our poor communication and talk about why we shut each other out. But now is not the time. We're too raw. I think we need to sit with what was said today.
I didn't beg or plead with her - I'm not that person anymore. I wasn't mopey or weepy. But I did cry, and so did she. And I did tell her exactly what I thought about not wanting to proceed with D. She can't claim ignorance on that point any more.
Does she not know that I'm still so in love with her? I don't think she does.
When she files maybe I'll let her know exactly what I think. Truly apologize for my part of the M crumbling. Lay it on the table. But not now. Now I think we both need to think about what it meant for us to see each other again. What were the emotions stirred up?
In a hypothetical world: would I move to W's new state to try for a R? This isn't on the table at all. But it's kind of like my own barometer to my feelings. Because this was one of the big pieces of us wanting different things in life. Would I uproot my life for a chance to have an "us" again?
I can't answer that now. I think the potential is there in the long-term. When this new job was being discussed last year I wish I seriously considered us talking about temporarily living in different states as a transition time period. I couldn't see it then, but that would not have been the end of the world. I could see us doing that now - start to slowly talk more and do a long-distance and very slow thing. Why am I seeing this when we just had a full conversation about divorce!? Why am I feeling hope???
But there is so much hurt - especially surrounding the fact that I know she had an EA, and still unconfirmed PA. I don't think she sees what this actually did to me.
I have a weird feeling she might send me an email after today. Maybe not. But I get this sense she has unsaid things too.
My entire understanding of where W is in her life has changed.
