Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Turbine]

Coaching session went well. By that I mean my coach and I had a good conversation and it seems despite all my effort and my coaches there will cease to be a Mrs. Turbine in a few days. Cease in that we won't be married and she will still be Turbine.

I know there is a difference between forgive and forget. Something my coach and I touched upon. I know I have tried very hard to forgive Mrs. Turbine for a variety of things, going with this divorce being the biggest and last.

Not mind reading but based on what she has said she has not forgiven me for any of my faults or shortcomings. She seems to enjoy twisting these knives. So this divorce is to make me hurt because of the hurt she has felt over the years. So it seems that this is toxic to both of us. So perhaps it is time to throw in the towel.

I have been awake for hours before writing here. Lots of dark thoughts. I know that solves very little and it really isn't a solution. Would I stop hurting? At some point I suppose so. I wonder if at that point time would become infinite and all I would experience forever would be pain. To the rest of the world, time would march forward as it always does at a steady rate. It would be over in seconds to anyone else.

Thing is while our youngest daughter and son were over to help me move some furniture we all were bickering at first and then getting along. Smiles, discussion about what needed to be done to spruce up the house, even a few jokes. Heck even the dog was not an issue with the W. Had lunch with our kids, got I love you Dad and hugs. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot... its great they are supportive. I want the love and hugs and all that go with it from my wife. Something she hasn't offered in a long time and to be honest I haven't been what she wanted in a long time either.

No chance though. Said I used them up. How do you act not knowing you are on super secret probation. I just have come to realize that I am depressed. I haven't played a game on my computer in a while. Not like I used to. I also realize that I was depressed doing that too. It was an escape. From the reality that my parents were gone and I was stuck dealing with my sister and her own craziness. Thanks Mom. The lawyers for the trust were garbage. So much so that my uncle took his business elsewhere.

Mrs. Turbine was saying very hurtful things yesterday and for a while before. Stuff that hurts to my core. Hurts from being a kid. Calling me a mamma's boy. In school I was bullied. Picked last or nearly last in gym class when it was team sports, football, baseball/softball, dodge ball, whatever. After the fat kid, who much later I learned was gay. Not that this particular detail matters. It is sort of salt in the wound though.

Mrs. Turbine complained I never planned anything. Go to the beach on Lake Michigan, into the city ( I despise that Foxtrotting place) vacation etc. Kinda hard when all I saw were a growing pile of bills and it seemed the only way to fight that monster off was overtime and a second job. Oh... home at one in the afternoon on Saturday, lets go to the beach that would take us an hour to get to. Am I bitter. Yes. Does this make me fell better. Not really.

My boss thinks the other three techs like listening to the Beatles and Michael Jackson. They only do because they know those two annoy the Foxtrot out of me. One side can't harmonize to save their life and more than a few songs are enough to make me want to hurl cookies. The other is so lacking in testosterone I'd almost rather listen to Elton John, not exactly Mr. Macho there either.

Younger D thought get a dog or cat, get a CDL and go OTR. No experience, back to square one and way too much time alone. Plus side I would have my choice of music to listen to. Definitely artists with more testosterone than the others listed. Madonna comes to minds but since she offered to blow up the White House and a few other choice bits I'll pass on that. Johhny Cash, Trace Atkins, Toby Keith, Josh Turner Louie, Armstong, The Rat Pack. There is a play list with testosterone.

Well time to get ready for church. More later or not...I need to have a long talk with God and maybe the minister today.