Something there is that doesn't love a wall...

[OneArt]

What I am about write here is not DB. Everything that happened is my fault and by poking, I knew what the response would be. This is a play that occurs in two acts. During the intermission, he insisted on picking up son from school and then I picked him up from local car dealer for his car brand to have service done. This brand has a dealer in the town where he lives. This happened on his off week. If you don't like gore, look away. If you can't help but look when you drive by wreckage, get some popcorn.

He showed up a little early. He was dressed up in a button down shirt he has had for years and one of the two pair of new pants I have seen since our talk in his town (the pants were too tight at purchase). I was on the third floor so I called down that the door was open. It look him at least 5 minutes to come up. I didn't get any sense that he was using the bathroom (you can hear the water even on the third floor). I gather he was roaming the rooms on the way, because he asked where something was (that was off a patio that you can't see from the front--clearly he had seen it and knew exactly where it was).

He finally made it to the third floor. The beard is back. I rather figured it would be. I noted the depressive nature of his behavior with S, as did S in the two weeks before this visit. I commented on the beard for the first time. Using my disapproving voice, I said, "oh, the beard is back." I said something about his jawline in reference to the beard. He said it was for a change (he's sported it pretty much the last two years).

We sat in our more informal living space. For the first hour the talk was friendly and easy. I talked about our D. Showed him a picture that had been published of her that is very cool. I saw he had new glasses. Reminded me of the government issue type my father used to wear. Not the $800 frames he has worn for years. I say, "new glasses." He says yes, I got them at Costco (remember he took me off the Costco card with no notice and this is how I found out he moved in with OW2--the rep turned the screen to show me I wasn't on the account and I saw the address). I say I imagine son told you about his glasses. He said yes. I said we couldn't get them at Costco since I don't have a membership (ok, I do, with my mom). I tell him where we got S's glasses (S had already told him this and OD had said why didn't you just go to Costco, they are cheaper there, so I knew the setup). I show him a picture of S in glasses.

Despite sending me his work schedule (which he only did in February 2017, while circling in, before taking up with OW2) he never said when he could see son. He brings up S's spring break. I say he'd like to do something with you. Why don't you take him to (a place he took son at 8 and they had a great time). He says I'd like to work with him on his driving and get his test done. I say he is not taking his test until end of summer. I don't want to pay for his insurance early since he will be gone three months. He keeps pushing at it. I realize it is because he thinks I'm going to let S drive to his town, so Mr. Lazy can stay there. No plans are made.

He says what about the taxes. So I tell him how much is owed and explain his under-withholding. I tell him how much we will each pay if we file separately. I will get a refund, he will owe big time (lots of money folks). He just says he's not surprised goes on a rant about Trump and once again blames me for his election for watching Season 1 of the Apprentice. He has done this many times over the last couple of years. I say, well at least I've never slept with someone who voted for him (OW1 did). He look chagrined. Nothing is resolved about taxes. I never show him the documents and we never discuss what if anything I am paying.

We talk about some issues D has. He asks if I've ever heard of this company that put out the stupid self-help videos he used to send the kids. I say yes, he's rather a controversial figure. He said that's just because philosophers are mad he found a way to make money. I say psychologists think he is doing a lot of damage. He says something about me thinking everything he thinks is stupid.

We then discuss why I don't want her living in the dorms, that she will live in this city for the rest of her life, housing is only getting more expensive, as a performer she will never have a regular job, etc. I say I want to buy her a place there, also so I can visit her more, and I expect S will go to college in that area as well--across the country from here). He mentions his theory that said city will be underwater in 30 years. I say you sound like your grandmother (a very negative woman always worrying the sky is falling). He says I can't give you any more money. I say I know, I wasn't asking you too (sort of).

He says something like, so you want to sell the house. I explain how it came about. How I want the money for D's apartment. I dive in and tell him I need all the equity from the house. Why I'm worried about housing prices falling, which of course he is too. For the first time he seems ok with me buying D a place. He seems to think I'm telling him that I will move there. I clear that up. He asks how much places cost where she is. I tell him. I say this is why I need all the equity. He had previously offered me 75% (I don't feel bad asking for all. The down payment came from a house that I sold to move here that I was the titled owner on--he didn't have income that would help at time of purchase. He lived here 30 days. He has said repeatedly how much he hates this house). He makes some depressing comments that suggest that he is contemplating or has contemplated suicide. He says what's the point, you can't take it with you. He says I don't care about money. I say I know you don't. I want to be fair, but I also want my kids to have the lives they could have lived but for your choices. He says I can have all the equity.

He says repeatedly he wants me to sell this place and sit on the money and wait a year or two (until after the election to see what happens). He mentions me buying a condo. I say I'm not buying a condo. I'm buying a house for me. He asks why I would do that (maintenance and all). I say where I'm moving there aren't a lot of condos. He tries to get me to tell and I tell him it isn't relevant and not something he needs to know. I think this angers him. To this point there has been zero mention of OW2 or the town where he lives or anything like that.

He says, at some point I'd like to be divorced. I said then why did you dismiss the divorce. He says, I didn't, you did. I am literally in shock. Am I on Candid Camera? Did h@ll just freeze over? What happened here? I see it is pointless to argue this point. I say, well you've been the impediment. I asked you here today because I need the separation contract to sell the house. Once we have that, we can file and be final in three months on the divorce.

He says is that all the issues? I say no. I want the kids covered on your insurance until they are 27. He says I don't know if that will work. I say its a federal law. He says I know (but never explains why it is a problem). At some point he says his job tried to pull him out of where he is a year ago and send him to a rural location close to where his entire family lives. (I know this is exactly when OW1 texted me that she was moving back to the area and they would be working in the same hospital--at that point I realize they are worried with him shacking up with so many hospital employees). I say why didn't you go? He said I still have work to do where I am. I am staying another year or two. I have built a great team. (This hospital is very poorly ranked. I have no idea why he has any sense of esteem from this). I say that seems an odd reason to stay, the moment you are gone that team will fall apart anyway. He says I know. Then he says he didn't want to commute (implying he would still be living in craptown with OW2).

I say there is also the matter of S's college. He is back to S needs to go to a cheap school. I say if S gets into an Ivy and wants to go there for his activity (which is predominantly done at ivies) then that is what he will do. He says he's going to get a scholarship right. I said I hope so with all the time and money I've invested in this activity, but if he doesn't the agreement needs to specify what you will pay up to. He says we'll just say we will agree on it later. I said no, I don't want anything open-ended in this agreement. He says one of us should check into the cost of full tuition and room and board at our State School (one of the top in the country and strong in his activity and one S may attend). I say one of us already did (does he think I'm a moron) and I say it is ________. He says ok then I will pay up to the full cost of that and you can pay any difference. I'm actually fine with that.

And he says, wait for it, ok, I will look at the agreement and get back to you. I feel my heart sink. I feel all hope leave my body. I feel time and space crashing in on me. This is exactly the same thing I have been hearing for the last 2.5 years. He leaves to get S.

I'm distraught. Not sure what to do. I reach out to a local LBS. I tell her what happened. I explain that I am done with limbo. That I don't want to be married to this man and I see no way out. I tell her I must do something. Something drastic. And then I wait.

He returns. I take him to the car dealer. I still don't understand why he would want or need to get his car serviced in our town when he can do that in his. I assume he must be taking a driving trip the following day. Why else the rush? On the way back home, "our song" comes on the radio. I quickly shut it off. Small talk. We return upstairs. The talk resumes. I'm determined to push him out of limbo.

I say to him when I talk to you I always have a sense that you are wearing a mask and that you have armed yourself for battle. I have never hurt you. I have never given you any reason to distrust me. I say I feel like there is a disconnect between your words and your actions and it is preventing us from going anywhere. I also feel, even though I don't see you often or know much about your life, that you are profoundly depressed. I say S said you were depressed when he last saw you and then you didn't contact him for two weeks. He says he was tired. I say what is the main symptom of depression. He says listen, you aren't a doctor and you don't have an MD after your name (recall that he does). You are not going to diagnose me. I say I have eyes and I can read. The rest is pretty apparent.

He says I just don't like you. I don't like talking to you. I don't like being near you. I'm not going to open up to you. I said I think you have a problem being vulnerable with anyone. I think you don't like me because I'm the only person that sees the real you behind the lies and manipulation. I say I think there is a good person in there somewhere, but he is very lost. He says he was just miserable in our marriage. I say people don't stay married to people for 25 years when it is a misery. He says he knows people who have been in miserable marriages for 40-50 years. I say they must be getting something out of it to stay or it must not be as miserable as they let on. I say I imagine that if anyone asked you to name 10 things about yourself, at least one of them would be that you consider yourself a scientist and you are inquisitive. Yet when it comes to this topic, you are anything but. I say you didn't split yourself in half and conduct a double blind study on the source or your unhappiness or depression. No, you just woke up one day, decided you were unhappy, looked over and saw me standing there, and decided it was easier to blame me for anything rather than have to look at yourself. Why is a guy who wants to know the reason behind everything so content to do nothing to work on himself or examine why he became an alcoholic at 48 or abandoned his kids, when the version of himself at 21 who just came out of that said he would never, ever do that. The things you do and the things you say are very typical of men who walk out on their families in middle age, take up addictions, display a shocking lack of empathy, and do nothing to demonstrate remorse for their actions.

He says look, I have been with OW2 since (names date in spring 2017--the exact date I had figured they started dating based on how he treated me and the kids). We are very much in love and we are going to be together for a long, long time. I realize that this date is part of his changes over the last several weeks. I can only imagine there was some pressure to finalize our divorce as a result. I also feel like this is his way of implying they are engaged. He says, unsolicited, there are no other women. I am not involved with OW1 (not sure why he brought her up). I am not on dating sites. I say the gaslighting is not going to work where I get your profile in my mailbox on a weekly basis and the picture is clear. The shirt is one I bought, the glasses are the ones you wore for 5 years. I don't care if you cheat on OW2. I just don't understand why you are lying about this and how you think you can sit here and try to sell me this crap.

I also don't understand if you are so in love and happy, why you are always doing creepy things to get my attention. Of course he denies everything. I say why are you suddenly making purchases on my credit card. I see the smile he does when I catch him in a lie. He says it must be associated with the account. I say this is a candidate in 2020, why would it be associated with anything (I've also thoroughly checked the site and there is no account, each donation is a separate purchase). He did another of these purchases in the time he went to pick up S, so I know it was to get me to say something. He says why didn't you tell me. I said I'm telling you right now. I said you also need to change the payments on _____ (list out everything I'm paying including car insurance, life insurance, etc). He says I'll take care of those.

He starts getting antsy about not hearing about his car and whether it is done to pick up son from activity. He calls them and they say they will call back.

He then says something to defend OW2s honor. He says I am making unreasonable demands in not letting S go to his town or meet this woman. I say this is not the kind of situation my son is walking into. You and I clearly have different morals and value systems. Son is sensitive and has no interest in meeting this woman, going to your town, or having anything to do with that part of your life. He again makes the woman sound like an angel (same thing he used to do about OW1 who he later called a bunny boiler, but now denies saying that too). I say she's a whore. She knowingly got together with a married man, she moved that man into her house with her minor children. You are living your parent's life. Your mother did this to you as a child and you previously said how much it scarred you. He says he has a great relationship with his parents. I say before I met your mother you said she was certifiably insane (and she is) and that I should never speak to him. He said I'm not discussing the past.

At some point we talk about the kids and that D won't talk to him. All the things I told him in the nice part of the conversation are now coming back at me with attacks. He's calling the children lazy, spoiled, entitled. He says S is a bad driver and I'm not doing my part. He tells me I'm a domineering helicopter parent trying to control everything about their lives. I simply say, I'm not a helicopter parent and you know it. I say you never, ever thank me for all I have done. I had all of this dumped on me with no say. I stayed.

I get rather upset. I say you may be able to end my marriage unilaterally, destroy my family unilaterally, change my future unilaterally, but you don't get to tell me how to think or feel or accuse me of being a bad parent. I then rattle off a litany of things I have had to deal with for the children, their pain, etc.

He gives me a look of absolute disgust and hatred. He says that is the most self-serving, pathetic, narcissistic rant I have ever heard in my life and I am embarrassed for you. This stops my tears cold. I say which part. What did I say that is not true. I am a lawyer. I deal with facts and evidence. You don't get to keep making these offensive, generalizing statements and placing blame without supporting anything you say. He says all of it. I say not good enough. I say your kids don't want anything to do with you because you refuse to show remorse for anything you have done. You stock answer is leave the past in the past and get over it. He makes one of his stupid stoic quotes that he thinks absolves him from responsibility. I say do you ever have your own thoughts. Do you ever apologize for anything. He said, I'm going to pray for you. I said you, the lifelong atheist who told me I was ridiculous for being an agnostic are going to pray for me? I said do you know how warped it is that you mirror whoever it is that you are with. I say who are YOU. What part of you is the same or consistent. I said I'm the same person, with the same core values I've been my whole life. My opinions are my own. He said and that's really sad.

I say your daughter is never going to speak to you until you do something to address her pain. This isn't even about the past anymore. You carry this into your future like a big chip on your shoulder. If every day is a new start with no past in it, why do you carry grudges against her and why do you refuse to give her what she needs to get over this. I said look at this from an academic perspective. You don't want to show remorse or apologize for the things you've done. I am adult and I have accepted that. I have forgiven you in the way that allows me to move on. I still think you owe me an apology and you own me remorse. I just don't expect to get it. He says I said sorry and that is all I can do. I said sorry is for when you put the roll of toilet paper on wrong. Apologies and remorse need to match the measure of the wrong. From this point he made it all about me needing an apology and I was pathetic for needing anything from him and I should just move on. I said I'm telling you your daughter needs this. Whether you think it is right or wrong, whether you think it is necessary or not, she needs it and you are refusing to give it to her and that is quite cruel. I said she's like you. She hides her emotions but they are there. I say I sent her a postcard every day for a year just to let her know she was loved and missed and I was thinking about her. He said and that is really pathetic.

He then said I can't do anything if she won't talk to me. I have no way to get in touch with her. I said I have given you her address many times. You have emailed her. He says I don't know if the email goes through. I said I have told you it does because I have mentioned to you things you have sent her. He said admit I could contact her every day and she could still never respond. I said or you could send her one truly heart-felt and truly remorseful and compassionate letter and she might find a way to forgive you.

At this point they call and say the car is ready. He runs downstairs. I take my time and come down. We are driving over there and out of the blue he says, I'm never, ever coming back. I will never come back. I say yes you will, and I'm such a sap I'll probably let you. He gives me this look like I'm insane. I drop him off and say have a nice day. He goes and gets S and takes S right home.

Later S tells me on the way home OD says, is there anything reasonable (putting limits you see) to improve our relationship? S says yes, you can move closer. OD hems and haws and gives reasons why he can't. S says well, then you need to accept that you made choices that I don't agree with and choices have consequences, and you just don't care enough to be in my life. OUCH.

So, after all of this, I felt rather beat up. Self-inflicted I know. But I had to do something. When he said the part about I'm never, ever coming back, he freaked me out. I had read before somewhere that they say this when they are very torn and conflicted and want to come back. Why the need to say it? To blurt it out? Very odd. Figured I would push him with my response.

So he was off the next several days. Logical thought, if it were me, having gone through this, I would be like I need to get this stuff taken care of immediately so I can dump this crazy and get on with my happy life with OW2. We discussed that the house needs to go on the market soon and that repairs need to be done that will take a little time, and nothing can happen without the agreement. So what does OD do the following day? Is he on a driving trip with OW2 for the big vacation he said he needed because he was so tired he couldn't spend his usual 20 seconds texting S.

This is OD's timeline for the following day:

In the am I get a text from the dealership where he took the car for service. I have never been to this dealership. I have never owned this brand of car. I did not have this phone number when we purchased the car. The phone number is new since I kicked OD out. Why am I getting a text at this number for his car service?

Then hear from D that he has sent her a video. No text. None. It is from the same place I told him that I didn't like. It was on an issue I told him during our discussion that affects her.

In the early afternoon I log onto my business bank account. It says there was a log in a couple of hours previously. I call the bank. Yes, OD has accessed my business bank accounts. He knows I just got a big profit check. This will doubtless pop into a tax conversation, though he will not admit to doing this and if pushed he will deny. No one else could have done it. OD had all the info necessary to break in. I immediately set up two factor identification. Check personal back account. Suspect, but not as clear, that he has made an attempt to get in here as well. Change all info to things he could never figure out.

In the evening he texts S a video of a fire. Something like one way to get rid of an old fence. Calls it fire fun. Writes, wish you were here with me. The video is in her backyard I'm sure. I watch it to make sure there is no video or audio of OW2. Just a fire burning. Clearly trying to p!ss me off and trying to normalize his living situation with OW2 to S. S tells me about the following day. Says mom he was clearly trying to send you a message and I know it had nothing to do with me (and S really has no idea about our discussion, only was wondering why OD picked up him twice but didn't spend any time with him). I said S it is wrong for parents to use their children to hurt each other or deliver messages. If this continues, I will ask you to block him. He said don't worry, I will. I don't even pay attention to his texts. I don't care if I ever get them.

So OD was at home, not on the road. Why take the car for service here. Why not use the day to switch over the accounts or look at the agreement and respond to me. We have no agreement on taxes. Why not try to get that resolved. He will have to contact me before tax day. I will not be contacting him. There are no plans for him to see S during spring break. S will likely not respond to any texts arranging to meet, because he does not normally and has said he wants to spend spring break camping with his best friend.

This feels very much like the OD from the very beginning. Very much like the OD who was spinning crazily out of control from the summer on after the divorce was on file. I don't believe in blaming the OW, but I strongly believe there is some pressure going on there and he is monstering at me because he can't monster at her.

While I hope all this will galvanize him to act, I don't believe for a moment it will. My phase of trying to be nice to OD is over. From now on, all he hears from me, is we resolved all terms and I'm waiting for the final agreement from you. We have nothing more to discuss.